I care about you

II

TW SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

Cate

" BYE MOMMY!!" , Edith comes hugging me for the 100th time now. She is too adorable. I knee down so I can kiss her forehead and play with her beautiful, long hair. I almost want to cancel the trip when seeing her like this. "Go inside and play with your siblings, will you darling?", I smile and wave her goodbye as she runs back inside. Andrew is now slowly trotting my way. He looks like a bear who just woke up from a long, deep nap.
We hug and he pats my back. "Take care", he smiles.
I take place  in the car and breath in, closing my eyes. Things between me and Andrew have been dry lately and the kids are stressing me out. Acting isn't as fun as it once was and I have the feeling the ceiling is crushing me underneath it and that the walls have moved further together. Space became smaller and it's hard to be fully myself. I really need this trip. I need to get to a town no one knows and just breathe. The motor of the car roars and I drive  down the streets of Crowborough. It's quite here compared to other cities. I was always a person who didn't like being chased by cameras and being in focus all the time. I chose a quieter life away from all of this, I at least tried. Paparazzi always finds you. No road is too small and no hill is too big for them.
They need a good story, an awkward picture of you scratching your ass so the whole nation can laugh about it while twisting boogers between their fingertips. Nobody actually listens to real stuff. Our nature is screaming, wanting our attention. We are killing our planet, but no one cares. Instead, people out there be looking at paparazzi pics of me going on a walk and judge my outfit or publish a new conspiracy theory.
And so Andrew comes back up in my mind. If they only knew it hasn't been working out between us they would run down our house just to get an interview. There hasn't been a conspiracy theory about us in a while. I smile. They always ship me with Sandra.
Andrew is cute. He always looks so..simple? Maybe that's why I am so attracted to him. He has that easygoing appearance. A kind of calmness that I really need throughout my day surrounds him.
I like it quite.
The problem is that he just looks like this sleepy,calm bear. He in fact is a very grumpy bear. Sometimes I think imma just throw everything away and pull a Micheal Jackson. Just fake my death and run away. But Edith and the boys. They mean so much to me. No, running away with four kids, that's not the best thing to do. The hours pass by as the sky tightens up and big, grey clouds form a gigantic shield above me.
I put my music on the highest volume possible and try to ignore the upcoming tightness in my chest. Soon I am singing and tapping on the steering wheel "[..] beautiful girls, all over the world I could be chasing [..]" .
Happiness is filling me up and I am finally able to forget what is on my mind. I found this small town on google maps. It's surrounded by trees and fields. There are only about 2000 people living there and it has plenty of nature to discover. They have their own chickens and cows and plant their vegetables in their little gardens. Of course, there is stuff like McDonalds and KFC, I think I even read about a big park which is pretty modern too. It's not like I am going back to stone age.
I booked a vocation house about 5 miles away from the centre to find myself again and maybe relax.
I check the time; 8.30pm. My ass is honestly beginning to hurt very bad from sitting for that long.
I speed up but soon have to slow down again because it starts raining very heavily. My music causes me a headache now and I turn it off. Soon I see a sign which tells me I will reach my destination shortly, my navigator agrees. Finally.
I reach a bridge. My heart stops for a good second. I am fully present now.
A girl lifts herself up and sits on the metal railing. I hold my breath. My thoughts are racing almost as fast as my heart. I drive by slowly, I don't think she noticed me yet. I don't wanna make any sudden motion that could make her jump.
Don't do anything stupid.
Every day I get messages saying fans killed themselves or I see news saying there was a suicide.
Kids these days have to go through so much and people my age don't even realise. Parents don't understand why kids can't stand up and eventually even make it worse by telling them they are lazy. It's not just school, it's the people inside of it. It's the people on social media and the planet being full of war, hate and cruel people. I never downloaded Instagram and stuff like that. Well..not officially.
All of this negativity shouldn't get too far into my life. It's already in it and I don't need to increase it.
My eyes are fixated on the figure sitting on the bridge. The girl now turns her head around into the other direction, probably because my cars lights are blending her. At least this distracts her from jumping. As I pull over I see her hands slipping on the wet metal. I run out of the car. This can't be happening. My breathing goes fast.
There she sits, she pulled herself up. I see her shadow sticking at it's place. I let out air. For a good 30 seconds I wasn't breathing, scared, shacking. As if I wanted to prevent her from falling I lay my hand on hers and look into her brown eyes which are surrounded by her pale face. Why would a beautiful girl like her want to do things like that?
The terror on her face tells me she must have been at least as shocked as me.
Maybe she was just sitting here?
Why the hell would she Cate, I shake my head, but so that she doesn't see it.
It's pouring and cold. Catch your thoughts.
She sits there and I stand here, both looking at each other, starring. A lightning makes me jump, everything turns bright and I see more of who is sitting across of me. Beautiful.

———
:)
-mika