Journal Entry 12:
So it's been almost a month and Sanji was finally being released from the hospital. I drove up in front of the hospital and helped him into the front seat. He seemed to be ok and back to his usual self until we went into his house. I half-carried half-dragged him over to the couch and when I sat down beside him, he broke down into tears. "I thought I was gonna die Zolo... It didn't help that my boyfriend wasn't beside me... I was terrified." He sobbed out while clutching my now-wet shirt. I looked down at him and slowly put my arms around him while kissing his head. "Sanji... Don't worry... I promise that I will always be here with you... Even when I'm not here, I'll be in your heart." He shakily took in a breath and hugged me. I don't know how long we sat there in silence just hugging. I picked him up and carried him to his bedroom. I didn't think that I could have just left him there, so after I put him in the bed and put the sheets on him, I crawled in beside him. I fell asleep with him in my arms, until it was almost 1 in the morning. He began to whimper and shake in my arms and I saw tears flow from his eyes, but he looked asleep. Suddenly, I don't know why I had the song "Monster" by Ghost Town in my head.
And I'm losing my mind in the middle of the night when I'm hearing your screams and you're dead asleep.
I held him tighter and kissed his forehead. He calmed down a little bit and I smiled to myself. I looked down at his face and brushed away the tears just before kissing him softly. I hugged him and fell asleep. The next morning, I woke up to see Sanji still dead to the world. I smiled and gently shook him. "Hey, Sanji. Wake up. It's morning." I said while smiling down at him. He slowly opened his eyes and looked up at me. He had the saddest look in his eyes but he smiled and leaned up to kiss me. "Zolo..." He said before laying back down and turning away from me and burrowing under the blankets. I put my hand on his shoulder and looked at him with concern. "Are you ok?" I whispered in his ear while sitting him up in my arms. He looked at me and lit a cigarette before saying, "I'm not ok, I promise." I ignored the smoke being puffed into my face and looked down at him. "What's wrong Sanji? Tell me now." I said while turning him to me. He looked at me and smiled, but tears were falling from his eyes. "I don't know how much longer I can keep going... No one was willing to come see me but you... and even then, I didn't feel like you actually cared..." He said while looking down and letting some of the ashes fall onto the sheets. I quickly grabbed the cigarette and put it out and cleaned the smoldering ashes off the sheets. "Sanji, I will always love you. Don't ever forget that." I said while leaning down to kiss him. He pulled away and out of my arms. "Zolo... what I mean is..." He looked up at me. "I don't think we should see each other anymore..." He turned away from me while I stood up and stared at his back. "Is this some kind of joke? 'Cause, it's not funny Sanji..." I said while feeling tears well up. He looked at me with tears flowing down his face. "I just think that this would be better for the both of us..." He said. I turned around and closed my eyes. "Sanji... A-are you sure?" I asked through gritted teeth. He took in a breath and held it for a while. "Yes..." He said while letting out the breath. I stiffened and felt some tears trying to escape their prison, so I let them out. "Ok then Sanji... I'll go..." I said and walked out the door.
That was yesterday. I am in my room right now today. I have a fully loaded gun beside me right now and I am writing this. Sanji, if you ever read this, I just want you to know that I love you.
Goodbye forever.
-Zolo
