Teach Them Some Manners | ✔

Update 19/04

*This update will be posted on all of my stories so everyone would read it :)
*Please note that there might be some errors because I'm kind of pouring my soul for you here haha 😅*
*Also- trigger warning. I'm going to be talking about depression and some bad thoughts, so please keep that in mind! I'm a lot better now, but it's important for me to warn those who might get triggered by what I'll write.*

Okay we can start now...

First of all, I want to apologise to those who thought this was a new chapter.
It's been almost two years (I think) since I last updated you guys, so before that a little recap;
On July 29th, 2020, I enlisted to the army. This is something that is mandatory here in Israel for those who finish high school and are 18.
I enlisted pretty early, about a month since I finished school so you can imagine what a jarring experience it was.
For about two months I was learning about the role I was going to do for the rest of my two years, and after that I got posted at a base.
I want to let you guys know that I wasn't doing anything dangerous and I was mostly safe.

However, for then next few months I got really depressed.
I was in the base from Sunday to Thursday, being back at home for the weekend.
This was a factor because I feel like I've never really liked being away from home, but it wasn't really the main reason.
I guess looking back, I can kind of list the causes.
1) The distance from home. This base is about four hours away from where I live, and out seven day awake I was there for most of them.
2) I was alone in the role I had besides my commander who was above me. (Side note- she was about 24, so still really young.)
3) even though I had my commander, she was absent a lot for personal reasons (and to this day I can't hold her accountable because her situation was really shitty). Since she wasn't there, her work fell on me so I essentially had two roles.
4) I was new in a place where everyone knew each other. I was always the type of person who eventually manage to make friends, but for the first few weeks I felt really lonely. It definitely didn't help that my roommate treated me really badly. I don't want to get into it too much because otherwise this update will be so long, but I can honestly say that my experience with her made me realise that sometimes people treat you wrongly for no reason- especially none that have to do with you. After a while I found out she wasn't that liked for the way she behaved, so I guess that proved that fact more to me.
5) I worked until late hours about every day. From 8:30 till 23:00, sometime even later.
6) I'm a perfectionist, always have been. It added more stress when I had so much to do.
I counted every task I had to get done every night before I fell asleep. I would literally think, 'okay I have this, this, and that'. I counted my tasks most of my day, really, until I finished them.
Every task that was added to my list stressed me out even more.

When I decided I wanted to move to a base close to home where I would return home everyday, people around me would shut me down and tell me it would get better once I got used to my new surroundings.
I cried every week, mainly every Sunday when I got back to the base.
One Sunday, about four months after I got there, I had a really bad day.
It started out really bad- I woke up and just felt... like I didn't want to leave my bed. Like I couldn't do anything.
I got dressed and my dad drove me to where the bus picked us up.
The entire drive I just had so many bad thoughts, thinking of ways I could go back home that day. I'm not proud of it, but one of them was to get run over by a car or something. I didn't try it, it just crossed my mind.
When I reached my room (side note- I was in a different room with two great friends that I love till this day), I was the first one there.
And I started to cry like always, but it was different this time. I honestly felt like it was my breaking point because it felt like no one understood how much I had to get out of there.
I had my first panic attack then. I knew what it was since I saw a few girls get it before, but I was honestly so freaking terrifying. I thought I was going to faint, and the muscles in my hands got locked up so it was really painful.
I called my commander in the middle of it, and she called the infirmary in our base. A doctor and another soldier who was a medic came to my room and because of my hands, the doctor thought I was having a seizure so they called an ambulance to take me to the ER.
They ran a few tests, and one of the doctors told me it was from the panic attack. He let me stay home for the entire week, so that day I got back home.
I think it was kind of a turning point for me there, and it felt like everyone finally realised I had to get out of there.
I wish I could say that it happened right away, but seeing as I didn't have anyone in my role, I had to wait for a replacement.
That took about four to five more months. I went to a psychologist in the mean time to ease a little bit of what I felt when I was there. I went back home on Tuesdays, and returned on Wednesdays.
My weekly schedule was:
Sunday: I went to my base
Monday: cried because I was at the base
Tuesday: went back home
Wednesday: got back to the base and cried again
Thursday: went back home.
I didn't even care about the four hour drive and getting home at around six pm. It helped me get through the weeks there, even though I was on the roads for about sixteen hours every week.
It was still really bad for me, and I would cry almost everyday, every week. I tried harming myself when the crying didn't help anymore, but I was kind of scared to draw blood and the scratches I made weren't helping. Honestly, I felt so helpless at those moments. I'm thankful I had people around me and my family to get me through those times.
I moved around June of 2021, and I got better for while. Unfortunately, my mental state was kind of damaged in my time there. I had anxiety and intrusive thoughts, always thinking the worst was going to happen. I decided to start getting medicated because I knew that even though therapy was a good answer, I needed to stop feeling like that as soon as possible. I went to a psychiatrist and got diagnosed, and right now I'm taking pills for it and feeling better.
To be honest, I've been wanting to make this update for a long time now. It wasn't just for you, because I feel like I owe you an explanation when I'm not updating for so long, but also for me. It feels nice to pour everything I've been through until now, even though I told this story so many times already.
I'm getting released in exactly 100 days. Pretty symbolic date I picked, though it wasn't really intentional.

Final thoughts;
One of the main reasons I wanted to share this with you was to tell you that depression can happen to anyone.
I was a typical teenager, a normal and loving family and friends. I had a few issues with myself, but what teenager doesn't?
Then something happened, and... Well, my mental health took a hit.
And it's okay. I grew from it.
My mom told me once she felt guilty for pushing me into a base where I wouldn't sleep at home.
But I told her I don't regret the hard time I've gone through, because honestly? Some day I would move away from home, and I would rather get over whatever this is now, and not a few years from now when it would be a little more difficult to fix by just moving back.

I also want to say that if you're dealing with something, even if it's something that for you looks stupid, your feelings are valid. No one deserve to feel pain, no matter what or who causes this.
If you need someone to talk, even if it just to listen- please know that I'm here for you.
Though I'm an anxious person and have some hard time talking to strangers, so I hope you can put up with that ;)

Lastly, I want to tell you guys that I'm still writing. I don't really want to publish anything yet until I get a lot of chapters written so that if I don't feel like writing as much, I can still update.
That way I don't pressure myself to write, since god's knows I've had enough of that for a lifetime.

I think I'm done. I think I managed to summarise everything, but if you have any questions I'd be happy to answer! I'm honestly really comfortable talking about my mental health, so don't be embarrassed to ask me whatever :)

I'll see you soon, stay safe and healthy ❤️
StellarK25