Jealousy, Jealousy || Max Verstappen

Realisation & Acceptance

It's not like I was trying to look absolutely brutal with no heart in sight but I knew the games he was planning on playing and I was smart enough to beat him in his own game. Enough of being a softie and making him feel like he has a saying in my life, I was completely fed up with it. I cringed so hard when I remembered the moments of myself constantly smiling over the things he was doing, I wanted to puke till my stomach dies. You even kissed him in public my inner voice being my biggest enemy, I wanted to punch myself. Stupid guy telling me to show some emotions meanwhile he's built like a fucking soulless human being.

Why you constantly trying to prove you can beat people in their own game? What are you gonna gain from showing everyone that you're not weak emotionally? Why you have to fight against every feeling and convince yourself that you're unable to feel something? Would it actually make you a weaker person in other's eyes? So what? Why you can't just accept the idea of looking weak, is it that bad?

"Fucking, shut the fuck up!!" I yelled out loud to myself, to my inner voice if I had to be specific. I was aware how childish I looked like, leaving Max behind at home after an argument but I couldn't expect anyone else to understand how this topic was making me feel anxious, like I could've had several panic attacks over it if I had to speak about it.

In my previous relationship too, I was the one calling it off at the end every time things got extra serious. I just couldn't see the self potential for having a serious relationship and working it out for a long time. Maybe because I never had an example in front of me while I was growing up, I couldn't believe the possibilities of someone loving me endlessly or me loving someone so much. My parents were together, always been yes, but I couldn't remember a single time where they showed love nor care for each other. They were just married. The way I grew up was so far away from the idea of love that I have never believed love existed in real life. I never imagined myself getting married or having a proper relationship because love never existed for me and in time, it was always the guys who showed no interest in something serious that caught my attention because I knew I'd prove myself right when things fail to get serious.

The most perfect relationship I have witnessed was Michael and Corinna's. I have always admired what they had and built together... but when I imagined myself in the same position, I just couldn't manage it. I wouldn't be able to love someone that much to build a family, I was selfish, selfish enough to always prioritise myself.

I realised my body was shaking due the cold weather, meaning I had to go back to Max or freeze to death here. I was the one acting like a child in this situation so I had to ignore my pride and go with the 1st option. It's not that I hated him because of his questions were threatening me mentally but I was surprised and irritated by his presence since he was the only person asked me similar things, triggering the shit out of me.

"Done with speaking to the air?" Max's question was the thing filling my ears as I entered back to the house.

I rolled my eyes over his question and just let out a "Yeah."

"Are you all calm now?" He kept going with the questions.

"Yes Max," I took a deep breath and continued, "Why? Are you gonna find another way to piss me off?"

"Was just gonna ask if you started to understand my point," He was on his feet, ready to leave the room after my answer.

"Yes," I've decided to not push too much for tonight so I just confirmed him.

"Good." And as expected, he entered the bedroom, leaving me alone in the living room. I sighed and went back to the kitchen where I noticed the plates were still on the table but I was nowhere near cleaning it all at the moment so I just turned on the kettle to make some green tea for both of us... even though I could kinda guess Max was not into herbal teas, there was nothing wrong with being polite and offer some.