Blood On Her Hands

Chapter 5

"I am moving out."

The four of us stared up at her, each of us with slightly different variations of shocked expressions plastered on our faces. Tìa seemed more on the distressed side, Tìo confused, Julio like he was still trying to decipher what the words meant, and I imagined I looked mildly offended.

Nancy stood in front of the couch where we were all seated. Her arms were crossed against her chest and her lips formed a thin line. Her stance was clear: This was an announcement, not a question. I thought I had heard the sound of boxes being dragged across the floor in the early morning. Not only was she being serious but she looked as if she had her mind made up about this for a while.

"I can't afford the house that Adonis and I were going to move into so I'm going to be moving into my own apartment. Somewhere closer to town."

"Nancy, it hasn't been very long since Adonis passed. You want to be living on your own so soon?" I asked, as gently as I could. From the corner of my eye, I saw our aunt and uncle nod in agreement.

"You wouldn't understand," she said, turning her back and nudging one of the boxes on the living room floor. "I still have to look for a place but I'm sorting through all the stuff Adonis had sent to the new house. His brother is going to come look through the stuff I don't want to see if he'll want to take it."

"Can I look through some of the stuff?" Julio asked while scratching the back of his head. "After Fernando takes what he wants."

I often forgot that Julio had been pretty good buddies with Adonis. At first, Adonis's attempts at getting to know Julio seemed like a ploy to sweet talk his way into getting the family to like him. He knew very well that in our latin culture, family was everything. If he was going to have Nancy, he was going to have to convince all of us we wanted him at all the Thanksgiving dinners and New Year's Eve parties for the rest of our lives. However, with Julio, things changed quickly. They both shared a love for arcade games and baseball. Soon, the two would hang out together on their own, like when they drove to New York City to watch the Yankees play. Somewhere in the process of faking pleasantries, Adonis grew attached to the teen. It seemed the feeling was mutual.

Nancy smiled. It was a nostalgic kind of smile and I could tell she was thinking about the two's connection as well. "Yeah. Yeah, of course."

The family cleared out of the living room, Julio following his father out into the backyard. I hoped it was to ask him about the gun he found in his room yesterday. I wanted to know more about the line of thinking that had led to the purchase of the gun. I wondered if Nancy knew. All of this wondering and yet I was reluctant to say anything in risk of them knowing that I knew. I didn't want to remind anyone of my past. It was a miracle that none of them were trying to coddle me after the wedding. A part of them must have worried that it would diminish all my progress and made me that scared little girl again. Nancy's loss had overshadowed that and though it was wrong, I was grateful for that.

As long as they were worrying about Nancy, they weren't worrying about me.

__________________

Nancy needed to start moving some of Adonis's old stuff from the house they where planning to move into post honeymoon. Everyone went with her because she was going to need the extra hands. There was tons of furniture to sell and clothes to donate. I was actually excited about getting to see some of Adonis's old things. I knew that a single shirt or pair of shoes would unlock a new memory, giving parts of him back to us. If I caught his scent of cedar trees and smoky air, then for a second, I could pretend that he wasn't gone.

But Nancy told me to stay back.

"It's not that I don't want you poking around his stuff, it's just I think you should get some rest. You've been looking pale lately," she said, rubbing my arm as she stood in the doorway. I was already dressed to go, sliping my shoes on and everything. "I know that the shooting must have dug up some stuff for you. I think you may be using Adonis to run from that. Maybe it's better if you take a time out."