My life | A true story about me

chp 7

Hi to the few people reading this.
Tw: mention of panic attacks

A few weeks ago, Josh and I started sitting next to each other on the bus, because we were friends, and that's what friends do.

A few days after we started sitting next to each other, he would place his hand in between mine and his leg, almost asking me to hold his hand, everyday I would not acknowledge it, I had 2 panic attacks beside him without him noticing because my brain wouldn't let me love him again and my heart wanted to.

Eventually I gave in, we were stuck in traffic because of flooding and he was looking at me and had his hand on my leg, I gave in and held his hand (worst mistake ever) we held hands in the afternoon on the bus, and then movie made me text him till 11pm that night, he said it was a simple move but he didn't care, then we sent our hearts and went to bed. In bed I was so happy I finally had someone who cared about me. :)

Thursday, everything is normal, we hold hands in the morning and afternoon but as I'm texting him Thursday afternoon I made a mistake. I asked him to go to the movies with me on Saturday, I told him it could be a date or just a hangout. He said yes and it could be a date, but we were both tired and only said what movie we were seeing and what time we were meeting.

I woke up in the morning, got ready for school and walked out to catch the bus, a girl up the road was friends with josh, and I had been telling her what had happened, so I was about to tell her about how we were going on a date to the movies, but she said, oh is that the date that he texted Jarvis about "how do I get out of a date with this girl I really like"

I was shocked, and confused, if he really liked me- why would he wanna get out of a date..

Anyway I sat down next to him on my next bus, and he said "I'm excited for tomorrow." To which I replied, "Really? Because I thought you asked jarvis how to get out of a date with a girl you really like"

He was confused, so I told him jarvis told lilly who told me, and ya. But then he blamed it on being nervous and it was just weird that I asked him, and he was going to ask me on one.

Yea that's some bullshit
Anyways

Friday is normal, holding hands, but this time he doesn't text me when he gets home, he didn't respond to any of my texts from any social media and worst respond till Saturday morning.

We were meant to meet at 12, noon, and it was 11:37 he finally replied to some questions about meeting up and i was about to start walking to the cinemas.. but then he texted me again

J: hey also, im just going as a friend. I'm not in for another relationship again. We're just good friends

Me: ahahah same

J: k

A bit of vent
vv

.. that was it, he made me text him till 11, he was the one wanting to hold my hand first, he liked me first, he made me catch feelings again and now some was gonna chuck it down the drain, I was going through shit with mental health and I tjoug t having him would make me feel better, but now I didn't have him and felt worse than before.

In that moment, I realised I never stopped liking him, I just pushed away my feelings because I didn't want to feel them, I want to hate him but I can't. I do hate him, hpbut my brain and heart are fighting and tearing me apart, he said we can still be friends but he has done nothing but be mean to me, ghost me, and play Minecraft with me twice.

Now I'm here, laying in bed. 23rd of April 2022 listening to my playlist that I made when I think of josh because so can't stop thinking about him and it's just ruining me,  I hope you all have a better love life than me.

Ty for listening to my vent it's over now btw

(We still went and saw the movie, it was extremely awkward and at the end of it he walked off right as we got to the door, going the opposite way to me, without even waiting for a goodbye back, just leaving me there)

Why must life be like this lmao

And donnneeeee I'll update his story when something interesting happens
<3