Can you love me?

Chapter One: Tablets

Hi loves! Just to mention this book will have self harm and eating issues in so trigger warning for that! I'm sorry if you wanted to read and in future i could put a tw on the paragraph just let me know! happy reading <3

"For the what is it? It has to be the twelfth time this week, no Nat your status hasn't changed. Your still reading at a little. I'm sorry." Maria smiled softly at me. That smile. She's a caregiver a good one, but still, a caregiver. They all give you those looks, as soon as they find out. The 'oh look at her, Natasha Romanoff, she hasn't got anybody' look. Well what if i don't want a caregiver? I bet nobody's ever thought of that. I'm fine by myself, i always have been and i always will be. Only a few people know anyway and i will keep it that way. Steve, Tony, well everyone in the avengers tower at this point, Fury, Maria and lena. Yelena god damn it Natasha. We rescued Wanda about 7 months ago now, she was doing better than i thought she would i suppose? She seemed happy, smart, pretty. So pretty. But she didn't know i was a little, i will keep it that way. That is until my results finally change. They will. The red room gave me tablets to make me become less 'little' and i had run out a few months back. It was so hard not to slip around the team. But i hadn't. And i didn't intend to.

It was a couple of months back when Steve found out, i'd just ran out of my tablets and i was searching for them. I was rooting through my medicine cabinet and. Well i was crying i think? maybe. But i didn't hear Steve come in, he was just going to ask if i wanted to train but he saw the mess on the floor and the state of me and everything i had done, i got the look. The Steve Rodgers look. I didn't know how to deal with it. i would've usually used sone rather explicit language or kicked him, but my tablets did that. I didn't have my tablets. What was i going to do without my tablets. Then i was crying, in a corner, on the floor. Steve came over and slowly lifted my chin. "Hey Nat, i'm going to clean this up okay? can you tell me what you were looking for sweet- uh Nat?" There it was. Slipping of the name, it made me almost slip. Almost. "Was looking for my 'ablets." Tablets. Natasha, Tablets. With a T. "Tablets, i was looking for some tablets. It doesn't matter i don't need them." I quickly got up and brushed myself off. Wow. The floor was covered in pills and bottles, i couldn't move. I was frozen. "Nat? Nat are you okay?" I could hear Steve's voice but it seemed distant? I couldn't breathe, i couldn't move. I was stuck. Then Steve came and just, hugged me. He hugged me? "It's okay Nat, don't worry." He whispered into my ear, I wanted to move away so badly. To tell him to go away and never come back. But i couldn't, it was comforting in a way. In an odd weird way. "I sowwy i no mean scare you." I had fully slipped by this point. "oh nat you didn't scare me i promise. I just want to make sure your okay hmm?" He stroked my hair and stepped back while he spoke, he spoke so softly. It was calming, i almost felt.. i don't know how to describe it? Free? Me and Steve had ended up playing a game which involved cleaning up the floor, though if i remember correctly i wasn't much help. Then the door opened. Tony was stood there.

Tony towered over me anyway but when i was on the floor, he was so intimidating. It was like a switch. I was off the floor, walking, no running, well speed walking back to my room. "Jarvis lock my door and don't let anybody come in." I said as soon as i reached my room. "Of course Miss Romanoff." I dimmed the lights and laid staring at the ceiling, surrounded by my own thoughts. Then i managed to drift off to sleep. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how THE steve rodgers found out. Well and Tony but he already knew.

So there i was, still a little. I needed air. Anything. Maria was speaking to somebody else, i took the opportunity. I half walked, half ran to the nearest bathroom and locked myself in a cubicle. I grabbed my knife from my right leg pocket and rolled up my sleeve. Sure it wasn't the most logical thing to resort to. But it was a last resort. It had started off simple. Turning the shower hotter, rubbing at my skin. Then it turned into more. Then it just didn't stop. The urges. So i didn't either. The red pleased me. It made me feel alive. It just made me feel.. something. I didn't have any bandages on me so i couldn't do many. Just enough to calm down. One turned to two and two turned to three. Before long i had ten neatly sliced cuts now engraved on my right arm. Wiping a few stray tears away, i got up and dabbed my arm with some tissue, hissing slightly at the pain. I unlocked the cubicle door and started to walk out. I turned to leave the toilets. Oh god, please not today. Clint. He's a lovely person don't get me wrong. I'm so glad he saved me in Budapest, and i trust him with my life. But please not today.

I had been avoiding him since i ran out of my tablets, i couldn't slip. And Clint is a really good caregiver so it isn't exactly hard to slip around him. This is the first time i've bumped into him since running out of tablets- which may i add seems like a good achievement- maybe if i walk the other way he won't know it's me? Please, please don't let him know it's me. "Hey! Nat! Wait up, I'm back!!! Nat no, Nat wait!!" Clint shouted after me as i desperately tried to walk away. I slowly turned around after hearing the sadness in his voice, i always had a soft spot for him i suppose. "Yeah yeah, i heard you, give me a break." i laughed whilst i pulled my sleeves further down my wrists. "And i thought i was the one who was going deaf gosh maybe you need to get your ears checked out natty." Natty. Ever since he found out about, me. He would drop natty into conversation, i think he hopes i'll slip but i won't. I cant. "Stop with that name clint. You know i don't like it. I have to get back to the compound. I'll see you around Barton." Ouch, maybe i was a bit too snappy? He looked so hurt but i just needed to get out of there. "uhm yeah sorry, Natasha, yep i'll see you, yeah see you soon." he nodded vigorously whilst saying this too, but the sad look remained plastered on his face.

Once i got to the compound i saw that Wanda was the only one there, she was making some soup maybe? it smelt so good, Wanda's cooking always does. They always invite me to eat but i don't normally take them up on the offer, i don't really eat much. Jarvis locked the door as soon as i got up to my room and that was me for the night. No interruptions just me. Alone. Finally.