Stronger Than Silver

Lucius, You Need to Eat.

Trigger Warnings: Bulimia, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Cursing 

(Author's Note: Lucius insists he's fine until Severus asks him to eat. "Dibby" is Dobby's fanmade sister. I read her name in "Precious" by Catspook, another eating disorder-related fic with Draco as the main character. Includes some Snucius!) 

 Merlin. He despised it all. He loathed the tears, the crying, and the inability to stop the sobs. Lucius covered his mouth with both hands, trying gravely to soothe himself and cease the droplets of liquid interminably filling his eyes and the choking noises escaping his throat.

It's okay. You're all right. You're a Malfoy! Malfoys are strong; you're strong! You got this!

However, no matter how often he tried to reassure himself, all he could muster out of that were a series of hiccups and wheezes that made him sound like a wailing toddler. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. Years of holding back his sorrow had built up in some chamber deep inside him, and he could not stop bawling.

Lucius did not know if he was crying because the Dark Lord and his family had discovered his secret or because he had lost his temper and lashed out at Severus. Perhaps he was weeping because the people he loved had finally found out, and maybe he would not be so alone anymore. Maybe they cared, just perhaps.

Whatever it was, the blonde hated himself so much. The last thing Lucius wanted was to burden his loved ones with more blunders and troubles. They had already suffered enough.

Why did I have to be so witless? I could have hidden my sickness better; I could have! I don't deserve their concern; I don't deserve them at all. Screw you, "My Lord." Screw you. Screw me for being so clueless.

Lucius paced back and forth in his bedroom, littered with smashed vases and ripped bedsheets wet with tears. His cheeks were soaked and sticky, stray, rigid hair sticking to his face like hot glue. His nose ran and dried, his breathing ragged through his mouth. He stopped near the window and peered at his faint reflection in it. Lifting his hands to his jawbone, Lucius trembled and tried to take a deep breath. However, seeing the skeleton-like reflection that simultaneously reminded him of the pregnant whale his father Abraxas had always warned him about made it very difficult to cooperate.

Pregnant whale. Pregnant. Fat. Whale. Lucius remembered how much those words had hurt him, leading him to the bathroom like a siren's song so he could force up his dinner. The scariest part was he remembered the day like it was yesterday. Yesterday, he was nine years old.

Today, he was forty-four years old.

Everything hurt. It hurt so much. Lucius could feel his breath quickening instead of slowing while he stared at his reflection.

He was hyperventilating. It felt as if he would faint again. The racking sobs worsened as he shook violently, knees buckling, causing his severely weakened body to sink onto the ground.

He wanted to end it. End it right then and there. End his life and his pain. In those agonizing, long seconds, Lucius was about to throw himself out the window in front of him.

But that was what he had been trying to do for the past three decades. He had been unsuccessful each time.

The blonde had been weeping so vigorously he did not notice Severus re-entering the bedroom.

"...And you still insist that you are perfectly all right," the snarky git drawled. He stalked over to the older man, who still had his palms pressed against his mouth, drool dripping from his elbows onto the marble floors. Lucius was still in his costly fur robes.

When Lucius had found it in himself to speak again, he mustered, "I-I-I a-am..." looking at Severus with swollen eyes.

"Lies. It's obvious that you're not, don't try to lie to me," the potions master stated.