We Were Dreamers

These Are My Demons.

Chapter 15

" We are all locked up in our own hell."

The moment I entered home, a ghastly feeling engulfed me. I was walking into my nightmare. It was all about to begin again. I walked to the living room. His back was to me. He was talking to the PI. There was a lot of nodding of heads. Then they both stood up and shook hands.

He turned around.

"Hello, Marissa."

I looked down at my scruffy high tops.

"Hello, Father."

That's it. There was nothing more to say. No hugs. No kisses. This was not a normal family. Try as I may, my life would never be normal. I should have given up on that a long time ago. Mamma walked in and handed Daddy his mug of coffee.

I sat down on the couch opposite him and watched him. I was wary of every move I made. One false step and he could fly of the bender. It was worse because we had no idea where he had been or what he had done. We just had to wait and hope he felt like telling us.

"Marissa, you know where to come after dinner."

It was a statement, not a question. I nodded.

"Don't be late."

I stood up and walked away. As soon as I was out of his sight, I ran. I ran as fast as I could. I wasn't running away but I had to put some distance between the monster I called Daddy. I locked my room door and leaned against it, my chest heaving. It had already begun. These were the demons that I would never be freed of. These were the tales I would live to tell. Only if he didn't kill me first.

Dinner was awkward. Mamma and I had gotten so used to being alone. We had established a friendly and open relationship and meals had been a time to look forward to. It looks like that was over too now.

After dinner, I went back to my room and put on my white flannel nightgown and waited. At precisely 8.15 pm, I went downstairs to Daddy's lair.

I was dreading the knife this time. It had been a long time. A long, painless time. I think I had forgotten what pain actually felt like.

He nodded approvingly when I entered. Sometimes, the way he looked at us gave me jitters. My skin broke out in gooseflesh as I stared up at him through lowered eyes.

"We are going to be doing things differently nowadays. I won't be cutting you anymore..."

He won't?

My heart lifted a little.

"You will..."

And my heart sunk back to it's normal place. This was worse than him doing it. At least if he did it, I would not feel as much pain as if I did it myself. I had no idea how I was going to be able to get through this.

He handed me the knife he was cleaning. It was a sharp, big butcher's knife that glinted in the pale yellow light. I hesitated. I had never done this before in my life.

I thought of just dropping the knife and running away. Just running away and never looking back. But I thought of Mamma and I stopped those thoughts. I gripped the knife so tightly in my hand that my knuckles were turning white.

The pain as the blade sliced through my skin was unbearable. I didn't think I would make it through alive. I thought that maybe if I drew enough blood, I would just die. Die and rid the world of one less little girl to worry about.

The first cut was the hardest but it kind of got numb after two cuts and I just went on and on. The blood dripping down my pale skin onto the white floor was mesmerizing. I just stared it it trancedly and the knife went deeper and deeper. The room began to spin. Daddy turned around.

"Marissa, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

He leaned over me as I dropped into a bloody mess on the floor. His face was the last thing I remembered before everything went black.

I woke up in my bed. My room was awashed with pale, shimmering moonlight. The curtains were billowing gently in the breeze. I felt cold and I ached all over. My arm throbbed. The blood had seeped through the bandage that was covering the cuts.

I was too cold. I needed to close the window. I tried to get out of bed without much effort. I fell into a heap at the foot of my bed. I was a crying mess. The tears just came and they wouldn't stop. My head hurt. My arm hurt. My whole body hurt.

I couldn't help thinking that I meant nothing to Daddy. I mean, no father in the world treats their kid like that. What sort of a person was he? If he could do these kind of things to me and Mamma, God only knows the sort of things he was capable of doing to other people.

I thought through the tears and my foggy brain. This was too much. We had to get out. A plan was slowly formulating itself in my mind. I had to have help. I had to talk to Landon soon. I needed all the assistance I could get.

I didn't know how I was going to be able to pull this off but I just knew it was the only option I had. There was no other way out. I grabbed my cell phone off the night stand and typed a quick text to Landon.

Need 2 talk tomorrow. Text when ur free.

I pressed send. He thought knew what he was getting himself into. I did too. But after tonight, I wasn't so sure anymore.

I sat there, leaning againt my bed. It could have been seconds, minutes or hours. I don't know how long.

I fell asleep and the next thing I knew, I was woken up by crashing and smashing noises. And a hand pulling me roughly and dragging me out of my room as I silently pleaded for mercy.