A Real Trip

Soul Searching

The darkness wasn't painful itself, that much was true. But the memories I seen being played in his sifting thru my soul were another story. At first they were murky, just glimpses. Almost covered in a magical, deep black fog. Then they became clearer, more vivid. I couldn't feel anything in my body. It was just me and my mind. Like I was viewing them thru a lens.

"Mommy, can I go to the slumber party at Jess's house?" My mother shaking her head, dressed ready to go downstairs to her afterparty for a successful film she starred in. Her lips a thin, stern line. "No, you are going to get dressed and go downstairs. You have to be presentable for mommy's friends, you want mommy to look good for the ppl right? You want mommy to not lose her job, right? Little Sara shook her head, tears beginning to form on my 7 yr old face. "No mommy." She nodded, knowing she had won. 'Good, now get dressed." I had and were downstairs for less than 15mins, being sent back upstairs with my nanny once I had been paraded around to all her friends. I never was invited to another slumber party.

We skipped a bit in time, this time I was 13. Sitting alone at lunch when some other girls came up to me.

"Why don't you talk to anyone?" They asked with sneers on their faces. I just shook my head and kept eating. I had learned that I shouldn't make friends cause they would never be approved or kept around. "See guys, she is too stuck up and famous to talk to us, oops, or should I say, her mommy and daddy are too famous so she don't even see us peasants." The mean girl looking at her friends and them nodding. "Too bad her mom is such a whore..shame, really. You might not even be your dad's kid. And then, what would you be? Nothing." One of the other's said holding a scandal magazine with my mom's face on it. "At least we know our mom isn't such a slut." They laughed and walked away...

We skipped again, to something I had always wanted to forget. When I had caught my mom with another guy.

He had blonde hair, lips on my mother. And my mom had only her bathrobe on..laughing at something he whispered in her ear. I noticed she didn't have her wedding ring on. My anger rising in my chest with tears threatening to overflow...

I wanted it to stop. STOP.

Another memory, this one more recent. Not what he was looking for I guessed. The night I went to the Upside Down the first time. How I got Google to help me, the time I woke up with Yan telling me I fainted..It skipped again.

Dark was in disguise. We were at the bar in Will's club. The music loud, and he bought my drink, scolding the bartender. I remembered how curious I was about the stranger being so kind to me when I was alone. But found him somewhat charming and intriguing, realizing it was the King and going along with his little game... his hand guiding me to the dancefloor. The way he held me while we danced, how safe I felt..

We watched that whole night play out. Until we skipped to the night Mark caught me, all the times I hinted to him before that. The blow out, how betrayed I felt telling Mark about my deal with Dark. How ashamed I was, how I had cried when I got home, turning on the phone and wanting to tell Will and Dark I was sorry, planning on coming clean with them right then and there. But thinking the phone wouldn't work anyways and turning it back off, going to sleep. The next memory was my graduation ceremony and the imaginings I had afterwards in my room.

I've seen enough. I heard Dark's voice in my head.

We snapped back to reality, I was on the floor and I felt tears on my cheeks. "Why..why did you have to go back so far?" I felt my voice break, like I had been held underwater for too long, throat sore and burning. "I had to in order to find the memories that were relevant. Going back in order to see everything that could help your case. I didn't mean to upset you Sara or dig too deep, but your mind is closely related to your soul and you had memories buried deep, I thought perhaps u hid them to hide betrayal. Never would I have uncovered them if I had known what would have been underneath." His eyes looked into mine, slowly, his hand reached towards my cheeks, wiping them off. He was soft, almost as if afraid to hurt me more than he had.