Spirals

realmless

I was home.

I was home on my bed in my silent room with the door closed. It was early morning, and the sun had not come up yet, leaving my room in darkness, save for the flashing lights on my computer and the flame of an opened lighter in my hand. I stared into the flame, zoning out, my head underwater, until I remembered what the flame was for. I closed the lighter and reached for the light switch.

And then I laughed.

I laughed from overwhelm because I did not yet remember how to cry. I laughed because I felt every realm and creature inside of me, every thought strain that was once that of a being. I laughed because I knew of every creature that was hunted, knew how it felt to consume and tear until the thoughts that were once their cries grew silent, knew how it felt to burn flesh that did and did not feel like my own, knew how it felt to eat and be full. I laughed because every wound on my skin was filled with dark or blistered skin where there was once a void-like matter, and I felt my chest aching from the pain that was once the pain of every hunted being. I laughed because I felt the contempt that was once the mirror copy's own, and I ached because I felt stifled desires that were once the Creator's own, and I laughed as I remembered how I drove it to silence, and I ached because I knew it left me dreamless. And I ached because I felt the ocean storming within, a constant as always, and I ached because I remembered how it snuck up on me, and I ached because I could not see nor hear what was once the little girl from the windy hills. I laughed and ached until the ache let the ocean through, and I held my pillow to my face, laughing and crying and feeling insane, with the weight of a universe within me.

~~~