Attempt (Currently being edited)

Taylor Armin

Taylor Armin: 17 years old: Hobbies include: School work, Dancing, 80's pop music and movies

Things had begun to settle down at school now it seemed. Almost two months after my death and everybody seemed to be moved on to better things, like prom. I lied, not everyone had moved on. I watched as Taylor slid into the bathroom in the old shops hallway, it was never used anymore. After they got rid of shop classes, they didn't even bother turn the lights on in this hallways anymore, not that anyone noticed because it was in the "Dungeon" as students called it. So when Taylor dared venture down there, I was overly confused. She flicked on the light and stared at herself in the mirror. Heavy bags lined the underneath of her eyes, she looked exhausted. Why hadn't she gone to Sadie?

Propping her bag on the sink, she pulled out a text book, a paper, a lighter and a bag of weed. Was I appalled? Furious? Confused? I cannot even find a word to describe my emotion towards this. How could she do this? She knows that she doesn't know what other drugs are laced in there! I wanted to scream at her, slap the weed out of her hand, anything!

She rolled a joint and slid against the wall to the floor, blowing puffs of smoke, forming a perfect ring. She took out her binder, taking papers marked with different colored numbers less that 60 took the lighter and set them ablaze.

Let me tell you a little about Taylor. Straight A student, first in the class, has a good job, volunteers at the local animal shelter, and does sports all year round. And some how she still managed to make time for friends. Colleges were scouting her, she was the poser child of a perfect kid who would go far. Hell she already skipped a grade! Taylor is down to earth; people she doesn't even know will come up to her asking her for advice for their problems, that's how comforting she was. The thought of getting even a point below an A scared the shit out of her.

Paper after paper with failing grades were slowly burning, one at a time, probably so she didn't set off the fire alarm. Tears brimmed her eyes, threatening to spill at any moment. "I'm not high enough" she sighed slowly, making another joint. This couldn't be healthy. She laughed as the papers burned, yelling "Fuck it all". I didn't even know who she was anymore. Once all she had to burn was gone, she picked up the ashes in her hands and stared at them, then blew them away. Taylor's nose crinkled in disgust as the grey remnants slowly drifted to the floor again. "What's the point? I don't need college, plenty of people don't go," she huffed to herself. "Addy isn't going to college, she turned out alright. I will be okay," she laid on the floor, tears spilling down her cheeks. "A world without Addy is a world I never thought I would see. And now it's all I breathe. It is a strange air, uncomfortable, raw, and heavy. And I can't even escape it with sleep, even my dreams are vacant of her presence. Why didn't you save her? What type of higher being are you if you can't even save those who need saving?"

"Is this some sort of punishment I don't understand? How did you think this would be okay? Sick bastard, whoever you are that I speak to. I don't even think you are really there, you aren't even answering me."

She needed a therapist, someone, and anyone to talk to and get her on the right path. Not some face drawn with sharpie on the ceiling. Her life was crumbling apart right before her eyes all because of me. She hated things she had no control over, and now things in her life were spiraling out of control right in front of her. She doesn't deserve this, no one does.

This, all of this, because of one decision I made. I never thought about how it would affect anyone but me. I was selfish and looking for an escape and I got it. It wasn't the escape I thought it would be, it was a hundred times more painful, heart-wrenching, and uncomfortable. There was no oasis, it was torture. The biggest mistake of my life, I have never regretted anything more than killing myself. I could have asked for help! I could have told someone I wasn't okay! How was I ignorant to the peoples feeling around me! I was falling apart but so were they!

Taylor started laughing so hard, I could feel the muscles tense up in her sides in pain, and she gasped for a breath, any chance to breathe, while simultaneously tears poured from her eyes in a desperate escape. "I hate my freaking life!" she yelled. I found it funny that she was in here smoking, and burning her failed tests, but wouldn't drop the F-bomb even though she had already earlier. And she started singing American Pie...

It was one in the morning in the middle of June and Taylor, Sadie and I were wrapped in blankets in Taylor's cabin watching The Office for the hundredth time. Well half watching it, Sadie was venting about how terrible this girl in her Calc class was to the teacher. She couldn't believe someone could be that disrespectful towards a teacher. Sadie would sigh here and there to make it aware that she was at least half listening, and I would add comments like, "I don't understand either, its not fair, I know Sadie," as she babbled on.

"We should go skinny dipping!" Taylor burst, Sadie and I looked at her kind of funny. She just wasn't the type of girl you would expect to hear that from. We all kind of shrugged and unanimously agreed on skinny dipping at the pond a few miles down the road. So Taylor grabbed some towels and we all piled into her Oldsmobile and made our way to the pond.

We were electric, lightning coursing through our veins, our hearts, thunder. In that moment time was everlasting, there were no clocks to tell us it was too late. It was just us three, skin covered in goosebumps, a melody of giggles, and a final feeling of freedom. The water was warm the way it only seems to be when the suns not out, and we held hands and ran off the makeshift boat landing, cannon-balling into the water. Surfacing only to burst into another fit of laughter. "I hope this feeling never goes away," I laughed. It's like we had somehow manages to escape time and live in the moment. No one could do anything to take this away from us. Sadie ran out and started the car, plugging in her IPod and turning on American Pie. Together we hugged one another, belting out the lyrics as if we were going to live forever.

If I could somehow have frozen time and lived in that moment forever, I would. It's moments like that which never cease to exist in ones mind. You can look back on them when you are old and grey and wish for that sensation of never growing up. In my short life on earth, I have hardly had many of those moments, and then it was as if I was thrown at a brick wall. Once you die you can't do any of this. You can't sneak out, when you die there's no embracing your friends so hard they can't breathe. If I die I cease any adventures from happening, you can't breathe in the fresh air. It isn't worth missing out on anything. It isn't even worth missing out on the bad days. It never was worth it, why was I so confused?