His Reason to Live - Hwang Inyeop Short Story

Chapter 12: Forgiveness

I held her hand tight as I utter silent prayers. I never believed in Him but I feel like I want to be close to Him and ask not to take her away from me. Dr. Kim said that she's now out danger but it does not mean that she will remain okay. Her vital signs are not stable and her heart's abnormal beating is more abnormal than usual.

"How about transplant? Try everything, I'll pay for it," I practically begged Dr. Kim when they spoke of Sandy's condition.

"Money is not the problem here, In-yeop. As much as I want that to work, we do not have any donor yet," Dr. Kim explained. The doctor looked down for he cannot look him in the eye with what he will say. "It's too late."

I looked at her face and my eyes welled up with tears again. I lost count of the number of times I cried ever since she is brought here in the hospital. 

'God, please! I have never wished for anything in my life so please hear me out just this once. Not her! Please don't take her from me!'

I immediately wiped my tears when I saw her stirred from her sleep. She slowly open her eyes and a smile formed her lips as soon as she saw me. "Hi," her voice cracked.

"Hi," I smiled as well. I offered her water and she drank a little.

Dr. Kim went in the room and explained her condition. "That means that you should be staying here so that we can monitor you well."

"Eyyy, Dr. Kim! You know how much  I hate staying here. You never forced me to stay at the hospital," she smiled and tried to make her voice cheery but Dr. Kim remained serious.

"You're not getting any progress, Sandy. I need to monitor you around the clock."

Sensing the seriousness of the situation, she as well became serious. "No," she firmly said. "I won't stay."

"Sandy, listen - " Dr. Kim tried to talk and persuade her but she fell on deaf ears.

"No! I won't!"

Dr. Kim tried to explain her condition more but Sandy is being persistent with her decision. Hearing the sureness in Sandy's voice like she doesn't care whether or not something might happen to her if she will not listen frustrates me.

"Do you really not care at all?" I said almost like a whisper but both of them heard which made them stop from talking. Theirs eyes are on me and tears start to roll down my cheeks. I don't care anymore if other people see me cry. I look at Sandy who is startled seeing me in that state.

"Have you considered what I would feel if something happens to you? Do you know how hard it is for me to see you like this?! I feel like going insane, Sandy. I wish it's me instead of you!" I am now a crying mess as I let all my thoughts out. 

Roughly wiping my tears with my hands, I stood up and stormed out of the room. This is frustrating! Why is life so unfair? Is he not allowed to be happy?

I went up to the hospital's rooftop and thankfully no one is around. I took out the stick of cigarette that's been in my pocket for weeks. I let go of all of my vices when she stayed with me but I can't think of any way to stitch my sanity back as of the moment.

I puffed a smoke and leaned my arms on the cold steel railing. I looked down at the cars passing by. My mind cannot think of anything, it completely went numb.

The stick in between my fingers are almost out when I felt a pair of arms wrap around my torso. Someone is hugging me from behind and I know it is her even though I won't check.

"I've been looking for you," her voice vibrated at my back as she speaks. "I'm sorry."

I did not speak and pressed my cigarette on the concrete part of the wall and turn around to look at her. I placed my hands in my pocket while she plays with the hem of my shirt, a habit of her when she's nervous or if she knows she had done something wrong.

"Are you mad at me?" She looked up at me and gave me her sad eyes.

"Yes," I immediately answered.

She pouts more and tugged the hem of my shirt. "I'm sorry. Please don't be mad. You know that I don't like staying here."

I scoffed at her stubbornness and was about to turn around when she pulled my shirt again to prevent it. I looked down at her with a frown on my face.

"But," she continued and I listened. "I decided to stay under one condition."

"What is it?"

"I want to go somewhere today."

"Today? Didn't you hear your doctor? You're still weak!"

"I know, but I want to do it today," she whispered and gave me an upset look.

Sighing and giving up, I cupped her cheek which made her look at me. "Where do you want to go?"

She smiled widely and titled her head cutely. 

--------------------------------------

I sat on one of the chair near the entrance of the ramen stall where we ate together the last time we were on that crazy adventure. I follow her with my gaze as she walks near the counter, towards a lady who is busy computing for the day's sale.

"We're close. You can come back tomorrow," the lady said not even looking at Sandy who is frozen on her spot. Seeing her real mother up close makes  her nervous.

"Noona?" The helper who she said is her mother's son from another man who is now the lady's family came out from the kitchen. The lady looked up at Sandy and frowned, not recognizing the girl in front of her. The lady then looked at her son and gave her a questioning stare. The guy nervously looked at Sandy then to his mother then scratched his nape.

As if realizing what's happening, the lady scoffed and stood up. "Yah! Whatever it is my son did to you I won't give you any money! Whatever you're trying to pull, forget it!"

My hands ball into fist hearing what the lady said and was about to stand when I heard Sandy speak. 

"I... Don't you recognize me?"

Scowling, the lady looked at her son to find for some answers but the guy remained silent. She looked at Sandy again. "Who are you?"

"Recognize me," she said almost like a whisper, practically begging, and bit her lips to prevent her tears from falling. "We have the same eyes, the same lips. The moment I saw you, I could tell. I hadn't seen you for 20 years but I recognized you. Why can't you?"

She looked down at her feet as her sobs fill the place. She looked up again with her tear stricken face. "How could you not?"

The lady's eyes widen realizing who the person is in front of her. "Oh my God!" She gasp and covered her mouth with her hands. Her eyes start to well up with tears too.

"I hated you... so much," Sandy continued when the lady is speechless with what she had discovered. "I grew up without you, went through puberty without you, discovered how hard life is without you, so I hated you," a sob escaped her mouth. "I was in pain for so many years. But I forgive you for abandoning me. I'd like to go to heaven so please forgive me for hating you."

She covered her eyes with her arm as she continued sobbing. The lady starts to sob as well as she looked at Sandy with so much regret and guilt. Sandy wiped her tears and looked at her mother for the last time, bowed as a sign of respect, and walked towards me. Reaching me, she smiles but her eyes acts differently as tears start to flow down her cheeks again.

She outstretched her hands to me. "Let's go."

I looked at her hand, to the lady who is looking at her as she bawls, then to her face. I stood up and laced my fingers with hers and we both went out of the stall.