Blissful pleasure // Larry stylinson

3

I lay on in the middle of the sofa, a soft breeze rushes in through the window and a touch of a light wind, settles the mess of hair on top of my head. The wind brings a smile to my lonesome face, reminds me of the time I lived by the sea. When I was small and wasn't alone, I could stare out the window now and see the ocean that haunts me. One that's met my blood many times before, one that's felt my life and remembers the time when I lived and dreamed, a time when I wasn't alone, expect I was and all my dreams turned evil and killed me. All alone with nothing but my night terror dreams, the ones that had no alternative motive. I see them now, just like before, they come to life and looked me in my eyes, they lived off of my fear and drove me insane, made my head dizzy with rage. Made me angry so angry that my time spent alive was just in vein. Strived for chaos in my brain. The window open now causing a chill that runs down my spine and through my bones to my soul. Pulling the blanket up hugger, just underneath my chin. I can faintly hear Louis breathing.

Scared to look down at the dagger piercing my heart with all its might, the blood that covers my clothes. A shadow hiding my way home, the storm clouds still high up in the sky, the rumbling thunder never seized. A blue bird that sings way up in the sky, a nightingale swoops from a tree so high, I can see it pass by the window, I can see the bird that flys so free. The promise we made whispers past my ears and rings in my head, I can see you just as loud as you can hear me. I thought that when they found our bodies, they would've figured out why we were both almost dead.

No hope that sits mighty at the top of my chest, all the blood that covered my white shirt now gone, but still wet, I can still see all the red that covers my fingers. All that is truthful, anything real at all, I can feel you on me, I can tell you're here, turn my head towards the window and watch your body disappear. The phone rings, I turn my head back towards his room, I can hear it buzzing from out here and it's not stopping. Is it someone calling about me?, no who would possible worry about me. I'd rather people think I was dead than lost. I hope it's no one important to you. Louis, it's ringing again.

Little 8 year old me, I recall my running away phase, lost and scared. Never feeling safe. I look out in the distance of the small, enclosed space. I remember when I lost myself on the way back to the place I went when I felt nothing but scared and unsafe. It was by a tree, I used to climb up to the top just to see what no one else could.

Turning over once again and I see the dirt surrounding my head. I use my strength to pull my corpse from the ground. Hand moving as fast at it can, trapped under pounds of mud that floods my lungs, "Louis!" I shout, all I can, but my hands sink through the dirt and all the mud. They have no grip left in them, they've lost all touch, how can I still be alive when it's obvious I'm not worth much. I wonder who buried me in the ground, wonder who let my coffin go down. Louis was it you? Did you show everyone how much I mean to you?  Or did someone tell you that since I'm dead my life that suddenly means more.

I try turning over one more time, maybe none of this is real but as I trip and stumble when I reach the front door, I feel no one behind me, I'll hold it open on instinct anyway, I was wrong. You left me too. The birds get louder as I turn over once again. You left me behind long ago mumma, nothing can bring my smile back now, mumma. Not even the queen of darkness that haunts my coffin, deep in the ground.

I can feel her touch when I wake up, it's on me now, when I turn my head gently to the side, I see her pretty blue eyes. The soft, careful stroke of her finger when I reach out a hand to feel if it's real. It is and it's haunting me, I wish you would've saved me Lou. Or maybe I'm still all alone at the end of time, did you leave me alone to rot and die? That feeling of endlessly waiting for the one who hurt you, the terrible thought of maybe killing them too. I hope you know how much you mean to me, I met you yesterday but that's a lifetime for someone who lives for a day The blissful pleasure lights up my face as I close my eyes once again, I can feel the rain hit my face, ready to accept my fate. No, no. A hand reaches down and pulls me awake.