The Secrets She Kept

Chapter 4

Sitting down with my four year old daughter, I wasn't even sure where to begin. "Leah, baby. There's something really important I need to tell you." Leah sat across from me with her head tilted slightly to the side and brows furrowed. It reminded me of a puppy. "What's wrong, momma?" "Baby, do you remember what I told you about your daddy?" She nodded her head slowly. "Daddy moved far away." Tears threatened to come out as I got ready to confess.

"Baby, that's not exactly true. It was something I told you to make you feel better about not having a dad around." Or to make myself feel better since it was my fault she didn't have one.

"I don't have a daddy?" Leah was confused.

"No baby. You do have a daddy. I just never told him about you. When I found out I was going to have a baby, I ran away."

"Daddy didn't move?"

"No Leah, I did. I left and never told your daddy."

Why did you do that?" Her eyes filled with tears. I knew she'd never fully understand.

"I was scared he wouldn't want you baby, so I left. But your daddy lives here, and he knows about you now, and he really wants to meet you."

"My dad lives here? And I get to meet him?" Her little voice cracked as she began to sniffle and cry a little bit.

"Yes, baby. Look, I am so sorry that I took you from daddy. I didn't know that you would need your daddy. I was scared and really young. And it's okay if you are mad at me, or sad it's okay. But you do not have to see him or meet him unless you want to, okay?" She nodded as her lip quivered, I don't think she knew how to react to something like this. But seeing her reaction was enough punishment. To know I caused this emotional distress was enough to punish me for the rest of my life. "It's okay Momma." She stood up and hugged me, still sniffling in my shirt. "Can I meet him?" She looked up to me with so much hope in her eyes. "Of course baby, whenever you're ready." I smiled and wiped away her tears. "Can I see him today?" She smiled back at me. "Sure, I'll call him and have him come over here okay?" She nodded quietly and pulled out of my arms to wipe her face on her sleeve. She giggled a little looking at her now wet sleeve. "Momma, I think I need a clean shirt." We both laughed together, as I thought to myself, my silly girl. After calling Luca I helped Leah change. After changing her mind a dozen times she settled on a white and blue striped shirt with overall shorts. Leah snatched my hand in her when she heard the sound of Luca's boat pulling in. Both Luca and Kate got out and headed towards us. "I'll be inside if you need me." Robbie leaned down and kissed Leah before heading inside to give us privacy. Leah squeezed my hand tighter as they got closer. We all stood facing each other in silence. None of us knew how to do this. "Leah, this is your daddy." Luca bent down to face her and smiled. It was a smile I hadn't seen in years. "Hi, Leah." Luca whispered. "You look like me." Leah whispered back. "What? No way, you look like me." Luca poked her. She giggled and her grip on my hand loosened. "Leah, this is your grandma." I gestured to Kate. "No way. I'm not grandma, I'm Mimi." Kate smiled brightly at Leah. Leah suddenly let out a high-pitched cry. I quickly scooped her up. "Leah, what's wrong?" Tears threatened to fall from my eyes hearing the saddest cry I've ever heard from Leah. This was new, Leah has never sounded like this before. "I always wanted a Mimi." She sobbed burying her face in her hands. A wave of guilt washed over me. I looked to Luca who was already looking at me, and I quickly looked away afraid I might cry myself. "Oh honey, well now you've got one." Kate pulled Leah from my hands and to my surprise Leah wrapped her arms around Kate. Kate held her for a moment, then handed her to Luca. It was the strangest feeling. Having to share her for the first time in her life. She accepted them already and was truly happy. But then again, it only meant I'd done something terrible by hiding her. One day she'd realize what I tried to do, she'll hate me. Without saying a word, I quietly walked back inside leaving them outside to get to know each other. "What are you doing?" Robbie asked once I closed the door behind me. "Giving them space." I watched as Luca kneeled and talked to Leah face to face. "Should we really be allowing this?" Robbie questioned. "He is her father." I sighed.

"We both know she's safer without him in her life." Robbie seemed to understand why I took her now.

"What am I supposed to do? I can't keep hiding her."

"We could all leave...together."

"I can't ask you to do that Rob, you have a family here." Robbie's mom and dad still lived in town. It's why I didn't ask him to go with me when I left. He was living with his family then, he was happy. I was still in a girls' home.

"You're my family too."

"No. I'm not leaving again." After Luca told Leah goodbye, I walked Luca and Kate back to the boat. It was awkward and silent. I've never seen Kate mad at me before. "Kate." Before I could say anymore she cut me off. "Don't."

"I know I handled things wrong, I just-"

"No Lana! I'm not the one you should be apologizing to, that was the most heartbreaking thing I've seen in all my life. That child needs her family in her life and-"

"Mom! Enough!" Luca cut her off, right as tears began to fall down my cheeks. "I'm only saying-"

"No mom, it's not your place, it's between me and Lana now." I was surprised Luca was defending me, but maybe it's because he'd rather be the one scolding me. "I love you honey, but I'm going to need some time to heal from this." Kate turned and climbed onto the boat. I crossed my arms, holding myself, and headed back to the house. "Lana." Luca stopped me. "Yeah?" I called out from over my shoulder. "Look at me." I hesitated for a moment, then turned. "Thank you." I nodded in response, then turned and headed back inside. This whole situation was hard for me. Luca was the love of my life once, leaving was the hardest thing I'd ever done. But coming home was starting to feel worse. Not to mention the amount of danger Leah could be put in once people found out Leah is Luca's. "Lana?" I turned to face Luca again. "What's Leah's full name?" His eyes were full of grief as if already expecting the worst. "Leah Katherine Denzel." I responded. "Leah Kate." Luca repeated to himself. I nodded to him and continued inside, finally leaving him at the dock. Katherine was Kate's full name, and since she was the only mother I'd ever had, I thought it would only be right to give Leah her name. I never imagined I'd see her again.