Legal Prejudice 2 - Weather The Storms

Chapter 29

Allie moved through the following days like a ghost. She sat through the planning for the funeral, leaning on Susan and John to make most of the decisions. She realised she had no idea what an American funeral was like, and British funerals in her experience were in churches for old people, not fit, handsome men with everything to live for. She and Daniel had talked about it with everyone and had decided to bring the children. Both of them were really worried if they didn't come they might feel when they were older that they were excluded, and not given the opportunity to say goodbye or be involved. At the same time she was apprehensive they would be overwhelmed by the sadness of the adults, so Susan and John were careful putting the arrangements together. John wanted to give the eulogy and Allie was certain she wouldn't be able to speak publically. The only part of the funeral she really had a strong opinion on was the question of an open casket. She couldn't bear the thought of Michael on display for anyone who came along to see, and especially didn't want the children remembering him that way. She was happy for any of those close to visit him before the funeral, but she wasn't sure yet if she could bring herself to do it.

The morning of the funeral she had to make a decision. Dan and Emmie were still staying at the house with her, and he sat her down before the girls got up for breakfast. "Allie sweetheart, it's kind of now or never. I can go with you and be right there." She took a shaky breath, "I feel like I should in case I regret it, but I'm scared you know." Daniel nodded, "I do Allie, but only you can make the decision. Are you worried that's how you'll remember him?" Allie nodded, her eyes swimming. Daniel took her hands, "No matter what Allie, you'll still have all those amazing memories, and that's what will break through and stay with you yeah." She let him pull her close and he rested his chin on her head as she whispered, "I'd like to try then. Will someone come over to watch the girls?"

It took a few minutes waiting outside of the room before Allie could go in. Daniel had an arm around her as she hesitantly approached, and she gathered all her courage to take in Michael's face for the last time. She touched his hand shivering at how cold his skin was. She forced herself to look at his lifeless face and wiped a tear away. Daniel put his hands on her shoulders supressing his own emotion. She turned and said tearfully, "I'd like to go Dan. This isn't Michael. This is just the shell of who he was." Daniel looked her straight in her deep blue eyes trying to gauge if she was going to be okay. "Are you sure?" She nodded and added, "If you need to stay to say goodbye to Michael it's okay, I'll wait outside." Daniel took a final look and turned back to Allie shaking his head, "I know what you mean. Michael's not here, but I honestly believe we go on Allie, I don't know how, but whatever makes us the people we are, the love we have, I think it's still there with the people left behind when we need it." Allie slipped her hand in his and they left, heading home to get ready.

The funeral itself was a blur in that Allie couldn't focus on who was there beyond those closest to her. Everyone who attended couldn't help but be affected by the sight of Allie walking in carrying toddler Rose in her black and white dress and black patent shoes, with Emmie holding her free hand in a bigger version of the same outfit. Max sat one side of Allie and Susan the other. John did an amazing job of balancing beautiful, funny, sweet stories about Michael with expressing the tragedy of his sudden passing. Looking at Allie he said, "Let's face it, Susan and I used to despair because Michael was a late developer when it came to having an adult relationship" there was a ripple of laughter and he continued, "but when he met Allie everything changed, he found someone who was an equal and loved him for who he really was. Allie you allowed him to live his best life. You brought him a daughter he adored and formed a family around him to help raise her that he'd never had as kid himself. If you're listening Michael we're never going to let Rose and Emmie forget you, and we'll wrap Allie in all the love we can." Susan was watching her husband, tears rolling down her face. Max held Allie as she listened and she looked at where Dan was holding Rose on his knee. John finished and she stood up. She put her arms around his neck and he held her tight. He kissed Susan and sat down, while Dan came with Rose. Allie picked the toddler up and kissed her and Dan.

In the days and weeks that followed Allie did her best to function for the children. She reassured Daniel he could move home and she'd be okay on her own. He had a niggling gut feeling she wasn't coping as well as it seemed on the surface, but he reluctantly took Emmie back to their own place. Allie reminded him he was literally around the corner, and they fell into a routine where he'd stay with Emmie on a Friday and Saturday so they could take the children to do things together and meet up with the others. A couple of months after the funeral while Daniel had taken the girls on the play equipment and Robyn was busy chatting to Max and Susan, Allie caught Jeremy on his own and asked if he could give her some advice. "I'd ask my doctor Jeremy but I don't want to get labelled. Thing is, I know I've lost loads of weight. I've not had any appetite since Michael, but I am trying. I feel sick though, every time I eat something. I eat three meals a day, just can't get much down." Jeremy slipped an arm 'round her waist, "Hey, why didn't you just call me? Don't worry Allie, it's pretty normal after a trauma and you're doing exactly the right thing by trying and sticking to regular meals. You know that saying This too shall pass?" Allie nodded and he continued, "well just keep trying and eating what you can and your appetite will come back. I'll send you some vitamins in the meantime. Worrying will make it worse so talk to me yeah." She leaned against him and he pulled her close as she said, "Thanks. I know Dan's worried about it, which means Max probably is too." Jeremy rubbed his hand soothingly on her back, "Allie I'm here for you, always, you're important to me. You know that right?" Allie hid her tears by burying her face in his chest. Jeremy checked no-one had noticed and bent to kiss her head as she whispered, "I know, I'm trying so hard Jeremy, but some days I feel like I'm drowning." She wiped her eyes and Jeremy looked at her directly, "It's my day off Tuesday. I'm coming over to spend some time with you. I'll bring those vitamins. Its going to get better sweetheart I promise."