Surviving life .

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

-Alex POV -
I got in and went straight to my room. Even though i haven't ate a thing all day long i can't stomach a thing. Not when i know i'll throw it up.

Changed into the first sweatpants i saw and just cuddled myself until i slept. I can't help the stray tears as i admire my mothers feature, she's beautiful. It should've been me.

I felt my eyes close by themselves as I slowly but surely fell asleep.

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I woke up tired and nauseous, collecting whatever cloths i see as i made my way to the bath and took a cold shower. I needed it to freshen up my body, to dull the pain of my swollen muscles. And bruised sides.

I finished getting ready noticing that am still as depressed as ever. With no antidepressants on me.
"It's gonna be rough but i can handle it, hopefully."
Hoping that those few words will actually give me some kind of strength.

After school was over I got home safely. Didn't get bullied much. Apart from the name calling and shoving, everything went somewhat smooth.

Surprisingly, didn't get harassed by Jake today. Not that I miss his harassment, rather have a good day once awhile.

I made my way back home quiet late. luckily no one is home. They have been out for a while now, not that I care really. It's not even something new. Them being away only means that I'll not get hurt.
Hoping they wont get home anytime soon. Physically I don't think my body can take more hits.

I have work today since I'm lucky enough to only go on Wednesdays. It's almost like I'm volunteering, Therefore they don't give me money and i don't work enough days to get the average salary everyone gets. Not that I need it. And i always take the night shifts. Less people less headaches .

I'm still in pain from all the hits I received those past days, But it's bearable. I'm used to it now. i deserve it. It's my fault.

I got up and went to my desk. Since I'll work at night. I most love wont have time to finish my homeworks. And just because am depressed doesn't mean I shouldn't do my homework. At least my homework keeps my mind off of life.

I finished everything and tidied up. I went back to lay on my bed. I'm not lazy I just like my alone pain-free time. Ironic how I'm always alone yet I'm not.

I put my ear buds on and turn the music up. As i stare at the ceiling i cant help but let my mind wonder about life. About why everything's so messed up. About why I'm messed up. About everything. About Mom.

"Why is it so hard to not think?" I said as i turn and toss. why can't I just lay there and listen to music. Having this stupid brain of mine I don't believe I'll experience that anytime soon.

I got up. I need to go to work. What's most enjoyable about work is the fact that its a 20 minutes walk and I enjoy walking. It's almost 7:30pm and my shift starts at 8pm sharp but it's not long So in approximately two minutes I'm out of the house.

I work at this famous local diner. I know that almost all of my school students go there but not at night. There is barely anyone at night.

I work as the cashier. they gave me the cashier duty since its the easiest. It's almost 9:30pm now, I work till 2am. Jack and his friends walked in with their girlfriends.

"Seriously? I take night shift to avoid them!" Slapping myself mentally.

being so clingy and dumb is a turn off. I don't get how they can tolerate that. How they actually thinking it's cute

Someone was in an awful mood today. Yup Jake was.  and i was scared when he approached me. There is no one better for him to unleash his anger on than me. Considering the fact that he beats me daily for no reason, image if he was mad for a reason. I'm dead.

Then again it's not too bad to be dead. I mean why live? I don't have a reason to be alive. I don't care and no one cares not that I want someone to. But still I'm not doing it for me and not for anyone. I felt my depression slowly creeping in

As he was ordering I kept my head low, praying he doesn't hit me . All of a sudden he mummbled something and I don't know why but I snapped my head up and we made eye contact. I felt as if the world stopped for a moment.

Who knew he had such amazing eyes. Those light hazel eyes and those long lashes. And that jaw line so defined and sharp. Is he human? I don't care but man was he attractive.

Well on the other side. You have me. I have lifeless grayish eyes. And a boring face and boring everything. His girlfriend ran and clung to his arm. He didn't even flinch. And he didn't even care. Like she doesn't even exist.

Surprisingly he turned his face instead of hitting me and I remembered that in reality he is my bully. He is the one hitting me and causing this pain.

I remembered that he was straight and am not. I remembered that he was the super star jock and football leader and I'm a worthless guy. I remembered that if he knew about me he would kill me. Not just beat me.

So I took his order and processed it and told Sam my coworkers to serve them their food. I don't think his friend noticed me though. If they have, they would make fun of me and mess me up more.

It was a slow night and they are still here laughing and eating. I continue reading some novel I found in my room. It wasn't the most interesting but I sure acted like it was. I acted as if I was too focused on the book, when really I'm not. I can see them and what they do. I can hear them because they are way too loud and annoying. Not like anyone is complaining. They are the only customers here.

As they got ready to leave I noticed that Jake is the last to leave and I can see that he was staring and whenever I fliched he turned the other side. Creepy much?. Also quite scary, maybe he's thinking of his next beating? I hope not.

I'm not scared, I'm just tired. I sigh as I lower my head and stare at my hands.

My shift is almost over so I was let go.the fact that no one is coming helped too. It is scary I mean terrifying to walk home alone at 2:00 A.M.

I almost had a heart attack when I saw a cat. A cat!. I'm basically running now. And I am not a good runner.

Finally home. Wish I could say home sweet home but it isn't sweet. The only good thing here is mom's memories. Or what I can remember of her.

Am glad dad and Cara aren't here yet. I don't know how long will they be away  or if they are coming back. They usually come back after a week if not more. I need this break from them. I need to heal up. My ribs still hurt and my knee is bruised up.

I got my pills refilled on my way to work. "Antidepressants really don't work" as I took two more pills. I lay on my bed and turn my face so I'm facing the wall. I can see the razor blade sparkling as the moon light hits it. I reach to it and grab it,

"How can a deadly thing be so beautiful and releaving" I said in a whisper.

"Few cuts here and there. Are fine to have." I though as I dragged the razor across my pale skin. Red liquid flowing out. I can't feel anything. It's terrifying but I like it. One more cut to ease the pain. One more to release the hate. One more to lose hope. One more to forget. One more to unleash the anger. One more for being me. One more for living. They didn't stop. I couldn't stop.

As I stare at the blood dripping from my arm . I can only be disappointed. I wasn't disappointed because I self harmed. No I was disappointed because I'm  still alive. I'm still here. Why would a good for nothing still be here. Why I'm i still alive.

I was too into my thoughts I didn't change my clothes. I didn't even cover up. I woke up with dried blood on my arm and freshly healed cuts. Yes my skin heals fast. Too fast to tell you the truth. But i guess it's better this way since I get hurt a lot.

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sorry if there are typos. And please tell me if you did spot them so i can edit them out 😁