Surviving life .

Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

-Alex POV-

-flash back-

All i hear is my mother crying and screaming, wondering if the neighbors can hear us. They probably do and its not the first time.

It got worse by time. As i stand behind my mom like a scared puppy. Hating the fact that its not me that is shielding her.

Waiting for the moment my dad hits me like he always does, the moment where mom tries to stop him and gets pushed aside and watches her only son beaten half to death. Even when it has nothing to do with me.

The whole fight started because my mom found about his affairs, not the first time may I add. But he never stopped. Never tried to stop. He made my mom feel like she's not enough and he made me feel worthless. Helpless.

I don't know what's worse, me being trans or him cheating and pretending like he didn't. Or him blaming me for his mistakes.

Am way worst though. Im glad my mother loves me enough to accept me, knowing dad will never do .
I mean he didn't directly reject me but he didn't seem accepting, and the beatings I get on a daily basis only emphasized my point.

The whole situation is messed up dad ended up leaving for a couple of days. And when he finally came back he was regretting everything from cheating to not accepting me and for messing up. So mom ended up forgiving him. Like always. Even though after that nothing have been the same.

In order to start all over. Dad suggested that we move and start again.  New town new start. New us.

It's great that they accept me and all. Or at least I thought he did, never knew it was a lie.

But really moving?Leaving my friends, well my only friend. I'm not the best at making new friends. Let's be optimistic here. I can live. I thought maybe at my new school I won't be bullied. But it's only a thought.

So in summer  we moved and it's great that I will start as a guy and only identify as a guy, since mom changed my legal papers and name from Alexandria to Alexander. I go by Alex almost always though. Except when she's mad at me.

([first day at school] still in the flash back lol)

mom dropped me at the front gate and asked me a million question. Like do I have money or do I know the way or do I need her there or will I be fine or should I just skip today.

"mom don't worry I can handle myself,I'll be fine" I kissed her cheeks
"love you mom. You mean everything to me, thank you." And kissed her again. I swear she was about to cry then she replied with "I love you too son. Stay strong and I'm here for you baby boy".

Son. Hearing that word just made my life flip. In a good way too.

I froze for a few minutes outside as I watched her drive off. And I wish I didn't. As she was driving away a car driving too fast hit her. And in a blink of an eye my world shattered. Seeing my mom fly out of the window as her car turned and flipped. Until she finally landed on the side of the road. 

Am still frozen from what I saw. Until a kid pushed me out of the way to see what happened and then it hit me. That flying body is my mom. My world. My everything. So I ran and I ran as fast as I can just to see her. Maybe she's alive I thought. Until I saw her.

My mother. Laying there on the road lifeless, her arm twisted in an unhuman way. Her face is red with blood and her eyes were open but lifeless. That smile. It didn't fade even after she died. I touched her cheeks and felt the blood on my finger tips. I kissed her.

"Mom. Please don't leave me. I can't do this without you."
"Mom I love you please stay with me I need you."

tears pouring non stop . "Mom i won't be fine with out you" I was sobbing now. I was shaking uncontrollably.
" I can't stay strong without you." I closing her eyes with my hand while the other one is holding her head. "you promised you'll be there for me. Mom please wake up."

a police officer moved me away as they took her in an ambulance. I was hyperventilating by now. She told me she'll be there for me.

Dad came running and punched me. He screamed and shouted he blamed me. If I didnt insist that she takes me to school she would be alive now.

He's right. It is my fault.

Was the only thing I could think of. It's my fault she died. I'm to blame for her death. If I didn't insist she would have been alive. It's all my doing. It's my fault. I killed her.

-End of flashback-

Didn't realize I was crying, I wiped few tears and washed my face.

After that everything changed. Dad started drinking then sleeping around. He started ignoring and avoiding me. At the beginning he left me money but day by day he stopped caring all together.

One time he came back so drunk. When he saw me he shouted and yelled at me. And all of a sudden I'm on the floor with blood oozing out of my lip. "He punched me". I said to myself. I was in denial . It's the first time he did anything after mom's dead. He punched me. I deserved it. I killed my own mother, soon followed by a kick to the chin and some to my chest. I was in so much pain I blocked out.

I woke up feeling so much pain I started throwing up. I couldn't walk and I was a mess. My ribs are probably broken and my body is all bruised and swollen.

For the next three days I didn't see him. I did occasionally hear noises from downstairs but I couldn't go down there. I was scared. And afraid he'll hit me again. I didn't go outside of my room except when I had to go to school. I didn't eat or drink. I left way too early for school and came back too late when I knew he wouldn't be there.

People at school didn't even care that I was not over my mom's death. They did stay away but not for long. Jake couldn't. He doesn't have any other punching bag. It's only me. The kid that killed his mom.

I hated myself, my life. I hated everything. After her death nothing is the same and nothing will be. Dad blamed me. I blamed myself. I got sick they had to describe me some Antidepressants I became suicidal. But I smiled. They didn't know. No one cared enough to be honest, I didn't care enough too.

I never told her the truth about why I hated our old town. She didn't know that I was almost raped when I was 12. She didn't know that he was her best friends husband. She didn't know why I cried at night when I imagined his face. She didn't know that I was bullied daily. She didn't know the bully was my best friend. She didn't know that those black eyes i always got were his doing. She though I was just clumsy. And now she won't ever know the truth.

I had so much to tell her, I didn't when I had time and now she's not here to hear me cry. It's too late. And it's all my fault.