it's one in the morning, ive got school.
music is playing in medleys in the background noise of my mind.
"i wanna fall into u~" the lyrics fulfilling the sinkhole called my head.
3...2...1
it hits me. this is the first sense of normalcy since the breakup.
finally being able to be proud of her, her writing is exquisite.
id carry the weight of the world on my shoulders just to be able to go back in time.
not repeat the things that were said, before id fallen so hard.
they're here.
hiding my insecurities, with narcissism.
well, fake narcissism. but it's better than nothing.
people admire my confidence, the shit im so good at masking.
hide.
my footsteps trickling behind me, in a pattern.
halting at the very sight of them.
nostalgia. every memory, every sickness, nightmare, attempt, purge.
the demon facing me looks so surreal, so lifeless.
walking corpse.
it's a mirror. oh how i hate those filthy liars.
lying straight to my face, telling me a beautiful.
eye bags, freckles, dimples, extra skin. it's all too much.
id rather be high. higher than the rooftops.
i want to soar. but this demon is holding me back, like a bungee cord.
pulling me back up. please let the cord snap.
LET THE CORD SNAP PLEASE.
my hands are folded, the biblical verses of those oh-so long paragraphs being read in between beads of salt water, trickling down my eyelids.
my face can't hold the tears, my body can't hold this weight. please hold me, dear.
make me feel as if you were here.
you aren't.
i think and hope and prey.
as minutes pass, hatred grows. sorrow flows. nobody fucking knows.
they're after me, they all are.
those voices in my head getting louder and louder and LOUDER til they stop.
shhhhhhhhh
silence.
that's what my heart is without you, demon.
it is silence.
bittersweet, unloving, hateful. silence.
it creeps up on me, etches down my body and drapes itself onto me.
the silence, demon. is unbearably painful.
fears lacing my thoughts, the drugs finally kicking in. the nausea finally resolving, the stench of it filling my crusted nostrils due to the immense flowing of the snot and tears.
blood has fallen, hatred has grown. and the only thing that was shown, was none other than my own feelings.
stakes being pushed through my heart, cold. like ice.
you are lingering in my nightmares, demon.
this poem isn't a poem. it's not.
these are my thoughts, my raw. naked. thoughts.
funny how the word raw can be autocorrected to rae.
funny how the word rae can be translated to demon.
so demon, if ur reading. your writing is inspiring.
you being in love with my bestfriend, was inspiring.
helped me get out, go away.
go away.
go away.
go away.
DEMON GET THE HELL OUT.
you weren't welcome in this territory.
my heart will be ever so fragile while yours feins off of hers demon.
you are mistaken.
im a mistake.
run
run away
get out
go
unwelcome..
hide
my fears aren't even here.
im just scared of you, what you could say. or do.
id never give you the chance to look in my direction unless it's on purpose.
ive been close.
but im scared, you'll hurt me, you'll HIT me, you'll make me run.
i relied on you, so much.
now im running, cowardly of me.
using my own hateful words to get your very own hatred toward me out.
manipulative of me.
at least i can say i won't forget you, and all you've done.
good and bad.
god damn, how manipulative of you.
let me keep hiding please.
im so sick and tired of running.
my footsteps are getting too loud.
they're turning into your voice. the one that won't get out of my head, demon.
get out of my head demon.
please go.
runaway.
hide.
away from me
