Lou's Secret Confessions

Chapter 9 - Is that the pizza?

LOUIS POV

There are 3 solutions to face any problem.You can either accept the problem, change it or leave it.
If you can't accept it then change it, if you can't change it then leave it.

Harry is now my problem.

Was I a cunt to him? Yes.
Did I want to be an asshole? No.
Did I have a choice? No.
Do I feel bad ? Yes.
The last and most important, can I be with Harry? Still No.

Why you ask.
It's a long story that I'm willing to slowly share.

Being gay isn't something you choose but you do face choices about wether and how to discuss it. Am I straight, Gay, bi , I've never been asked about it directly. I've seen the looks and the whispers and that's the reason I have the NDAs in place. I can't let anyone know my sexuality and there's a good reason behind it.

However I'm tired of the hiding and the lying by omission. I've suffered for years because I've been too scared to let anyone see or know the real me. My spirit has suffered along with my relationships.

Someone once told me that being in the closet was similar to living in a vertical casket and its true. There is that part of me hidden that just feels dead most of the time because I simply cannot embrace it.

Having to be worried about being 'caught' or 'found out' is always on my mind. Hence the NDAs. Trying to live a double life is starting to become very tiring. There are some people in this world that think being gay is a choice. It's not....but alot of the time I really wish it was.

I wish I could explain why I cant be with him but I can't, not yet. I will confess that walking out on him so rudely after having sex broke me. When he called my name, hearing the hurt in his voice stripped down one of the many walls I have up so high guarded tightly around me. I needed to be strong.  What was I to do?

No way was I expecting to fuck Harry that night. I was dam well no where near prepared for that. I most certainly was not ready for him to try and kiss me.

Sex with Harry wasn't how I had ever imagined. I've dreamt of how our first time would be and it definitely wasn't like it had went down. For that I'm truly disheartened.... not for me but for him.

At first having sex with Harry made me feel alive. Something I don't usually feel with Niall or any of the other boys. Touching his skin made me crave him more. In that moment he was a magnet. I couldn't get close enough to him, feel him enough, his touch alone sucking me in for more.

Then it happened. He moved to kiss me. I never kiss anyone. Fuck them yes but kissing them is a no-no. Kissing is intimate. It's a secret told to the mouth instead of the ear. Kisses are messengers of love and tenderness. One kiss could bind 2 souls together in a second. There was no way I could chance that, Because I feel different around Harry which absolutely terrifies me and as much as I try to deny it , I feel him starting to have a massive impact on my heart and that I will not allow. I can't.

So how do I plan on fixing all this?
Distance myself.

Pulling into the restuarant car park I check out my hair in the rear vision mirror before grabbing my phone and heading inside. Opening the door there's a strong scent that hits my nose. Whatever it is, it smells amazing. I catch a glimpse of Nathan down the other end of the corridor.

" Nathan!!!!" He whips his head around quickly at the sound of his name and starts to proceed towards to me.

" My office".

I reach the office before him and when he enters the room he immediately asks if he has done something wrong. After reassuring him he was not in trouble he relaxes a little.