all of my problems in one story

im screwed

TW: mentions of self harm, suicide, swearing (that should be all)

i have been self harming since i was 11, and i was 1 year sober of doing it. then when i was 12 i started doing it again, not very often...but it still happened

fast forward to yesterday (no i'm not still 12, not important...just thought i'd say.) my teacher found out about my self harm.

now i've been doing it so frequently, almost everyday. and he never knew. but my friend said "hey can you hold up your wrist for me?" (she already knows about my SH, don't worry) and i put up the opposite wrist from where i cut. then she said, "no. the other one"

my teacher death glares me, i put up my hand, but my wrist is facing away from him, (towards me, if that didn't make sense) and he says "turn it around, let me see"

let's just say i never showed him, but TODAY he wouldn't talk to me, at. all.

keep in mind i talk to this man for hours on end, he's basically my therapist

but the thing is, he won't say anything till i confess.

OH ALSO! today i asked him to charge my phone, (usually he says yes, we move on, no big deal) but he said "no." and i said "why?"

my teacher- "you know why."

me- "please charge it, i'll do anything!"

my teacher- "anything? pull up your sleeve then."

me- "you know i can't do that."

my teacher- "then i guess your phone will die."

and he walks away

i am very close with this man, so that fact that he's mad at me. hurts me more then self harm every could.

i've wanted to kill myself very often, but now i feel like i can't fucking do that.

this might sound weird, but my teacher is my best friend. and it's not like he's 50 or something. we're close in age

it just hurts knowing that one of the people that still cares about me...won't even fucking look at me.

and i have no clue what the hell im going to do

let's just say...im screwed

(see what i did there? ;)