Wed Upon a Time

K. woke up and stretched his arms. There was something warm and soft next to him. It was a breast, a woman's breast. He began squeezing it like the bulb of a bicycle horn, but gently. Suddenly, she slapped his face.

"Pig! Every morning, it's the same thing. Now, get downstairs and make coffee before I really clock you!"

K. sprang out of bed and had grasped the doorknob in a bound, when a strange thought entered his head.

'But, who are?"

"Oh, not again," the woman moaned, "I am your wife. You know very well. Now, get coffee, you miserable worm!"

"Oh," K. thought as he climbed down the stairs "That's strange. Last night, I wasn't married. I don't believe that I've ever been married. I wonder how she takes her coffee. I guess I'll bring it up with the sugar bowl and cream, if I've got any cream. Oops! No cream! There! Now, that gets me out of that. I'll just bring it up black, with the sugar bowl."

K. thought he was quite clever.

"Now, I must figure out who she is," K. thought

There was a "K." embossed on one of the coffee cups.

"Now, let's see. Karen? Kristine? Katherine? Ah, there was a Katherine in my high school class, but she was much shorter than this woman; I never liked Katherine, anyway. There was also a Kate. But that's short for Katherine. Oh, please! They were probably the same person. Konstance? Um, there was a Connie. But that doesn't fit. But, oh! Of course! Kaffee! This must be a souvenir from Germany last year!"

"No, I think that this is all ridiculous," K. thought as he looked around the kitchen.

There was nothing to suggest that anyone else lived in the house.

'I must have gotten drunk last night and brought some woman home and, now, she thinks that we've been married for years. I won't have it. I'll throw her out on her ear!"

Three little boys suddenly grabbed the legs of K.'s pajamas and began pulling them down.

"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" they shrieked, "I want toast,,,want cereal,,,grapefruit, grapefruit, grapefruit!"

K. grabbed his pajamas and ran to the stairs.

"Come take care of your children, immediately!" he yelled.

"Don't you hit Junior," she growled, "Or I'll bust you so bad. Now, bring me coffee! "

One little boy had taken off his pajamas and was stuffing them into a pitcher of milk while another spit into it and the third ran around the living room, spitting grape juice into the air and trying to catch it in his mouth. K. ascended the stairs with coffee and the sugar bowl.

"Now, get dressed and get out before you're late for work. You know how the boss feels about punctuality."

"Oh, yes!" K. said and hurried and dressed and grabbed the car keys as he rushed out the front door. He could not remember having ever been late. But the company had hired a new receptionist and K. gave her the eye as he passed.

'So, when are you going to take me out?' she replied.

"Well, how about tonight?" K. asked.

"What time?"

Oh, how would,,,," K. began, but he had forgotten about his wife.