If We Cease To Believe In Love, Why Would We Want To Live?

Chapter Seven

Dear Diary

To say that I’m heartbroken is a complete and utter understatement, I thought that it would be easy to let go of any hope to be more than friends with Damon. I thought that he would just accept that I would be happier to just be friends, but he obviously saw straight through my façade.

And rejection met me as a harsh response. If anyone finds this diary then I would deny anything and everything written in this diary. Because even the concept of letting Damon go in the romantic ways of a relationship was almost unbearable as he’s practically my best friend, even though I’ve only been here barely a week.

I feel bad, of course, I tried to let him easily; but there is nothing I can do about this. Even though in the back of my mind a little voice is pushing through to the front and is screaming ‘go and get him now!’, but I can’t. He will otherwise never become a vampire with Stefan and never meet Elena or anyone in the future.

And I can’t get in the way of that or change any of that just because I want to feel a little selfish and have my own way for a change. I cannot be selfish with him and I cannot alter what has to be done. I didn’t know that it would hurt this bad by his rejection of friendship, I can’t joke around with an acquaintance.

That’s the whole reason they’re given the title of an acquaintance and not friend. I didn’t know so much hurt and pain would come from the words of one guy, but it did. This is nothing I have felt before. Sure, I’ve had boyfriends in the past, a few I even thought I loved.

But you don’t truly know if you loved them enough until you’re out of the relationship, just to see if it hurts enough to lose something that you love. But unfortunately, so far I haven’t experienced that sort of pain, until now.

I don’t love Damon, but I’ve grown extremely fond of him, like in some way, he was beginning to grown into my other half. Like we were going to be partners in crime, the ones who were always caught in the act and got away; or the ones who were bickering like small children in the playground.

But that dream kind of seems like a distant non-existent memory now. I don’t think that I can even face anyone; word spreads fast around this house. I think that the maids even know the where, when, how, what and why of today’s events; their word is the one that gets around the quickest as well.

In fact, they’re probably talking about it all now as I’m writing this diary entry. Probably scared unless I’d lash out at them or whatever they would have made up along the line of Chinese whispers, there probably even one that’s says I’ve got extreme anger issues of something.

I doubt that Katherine would be very sympathetic to this situation; she’d probably make a joke out of it, tease me about it all or try and get details from me. All three were most likely to be revealed within the first five minutes of our next conversation.

I even feel sick to my stomach, one maid has tried to bring me up some food, I turned her away at the first knock, but she left the food on the bedside table before she left. I haven’t a doubt that many maids will try to check on me in the next couple of hours, or try to bring me breakfast if I fail to attend the dining room in the morning.

In other words, I’d be getting quite a few visits, and even though he cared about how his guests are; Giuseppe himself would probably not visit unless it was urgent or if I was in some serious danger. Even then I think that he’d stop to reconsider coming to visit me.

But I feel weary and extremely tired at the moment so I must turn in even though it is only seven at night, I just want to lock myself away for the rest of my life and block out the outside world and everyone in it right now. Until next time, sweet dreams.

Lily