TOO MUCH FOR US

FUCKING NIGHTMARE

i opened my eyes to my body overheating. and all i saw was fire. i was tied to a pillar again. the pillar which was in between the big circle of fire which only came closer to me. it hurt. but this time i was not alone. out of nowhere marcus , logan , robert , callum , oscar and ollie were standing in front of me. "help me" i cried out. they were my best friends. they would help me right ? "you deserve to die" logan said. why ? "you deserve to be in pain" marcus said. "do you know how ugly you are?" callum said. "you get so insecure about everything" robert said "everyone can not help but hate you" oscar added "it was so tiring to pretend to be your friend" ollie said. i stared at all of them. the physical pain did not hurt any more. it was the emotional and mental pain that hurt now. they all disappeared suddenly. and lando came into view. why would he help me ? "you are so ugly , you body is so ugly...you are so much to deal with , you know that ?" he said as he also disappeared. what is happening ? the fire was only coming closer to me.  now mason came "finally i will be rid of you" he said as he disappeared. i felt slightly numb but the tears would not stop. now george and caroline appeared. they are here to hurt me too "life will be so much better without you , is that not right baby?" he asked caroline "it is , she is so annoying" caroline said as she looked at me and they both disappeared. charles and arthur came into the view. "finally ! i wont have to deal with you" charles said "do you think just because i liked you , you were worth something ? you think too much of  yourself " arthur said and they both disappeared. "you are so useless , can't even get a good image for our team" a voice came as i turned to the side to see Zak. he also got out of the view. the fire was so close to me , but it did not matter anymore. i could feel my skin burning but the tears were not from the physical pain.  suddenly a long lost face came into the view ,   andrew , "you know why i stopped being best friends with you? you were too much to handle , you were a disappointment , you talk too much and you are so fucking weak" he said. i have never hurt so bad. physical , mental , emotional. my mom , dad and my sister were in view now. they hate me too ? "you are such a waste of our money"   mom said "i regret wasting our money on you" dad added. "you such a bad sister" my sister spoke. they disappeared. no one will come now. i know. every person that i ever trusted....or loved just proved me wrong. i have absolutely no one. it was just the fire now. burning the jeans i was wearing and my skin along with it. it hurt like hell and there was no point fighting it. i gave up. i was not screaming. just silently crying ,  absorbing the physical torture on my skin by the fire and the emotional and mental torture. i can't get rid of it. no way i can. they are all right. every fucking word. for some reason , i was still fighting , fighting the urge to give up. but i failed. because that is what i am. a failure. 

my eyes opened. i was not getting eaten up by the fire. this was just a nightmare. i was not panicking because of it like before. i felt numb. but i was still crying 

i was still in my hotel room. and all the memories from last night came back to me. i tried to stop crying. there was just so much pain in my chest. i dont know for how long i can handle it.

but it was just a dream....right ?
not everyone hates me....right ?
at least not my parents....right ?
but what if they actually do ? 

i think i am being silly , not every one hates me. not logan , marcus , oscar , robert and callum...they are my best friends. mason and i barely see each other , but when we do , it goes well. george , charles and arthur are also my best friends. they dont think of me like that. 

i feel like it could be proved otherwise.

i need to talk to someone. anyone. i wanted to talk to...lando.. but i could not. he would not even care. 

i called my mum. surely she does not hate me right ? too late , i already called. not a video call,  just a voice call.  i stopped my sobbing. 

"you are up early today , good morning saara" my mum said from the other side of the phone , she sounded so calm while i was lying in my bed with tears in my eyes. 

"good morning mom" i said

 "you sound...tired" she said. was it that obvious ?

"mom i need to ask you something" i said taking a deep breath. 

"yeah go ahead"

"do you- ever- do you ever feel like i am a...waste of your money ?" i said closing my eyes.

"what are you saying , saara ? why would you think that ? never , what has gotten into you...i love you , so much , you are my lovely daughter , beautiful and fearless in very way , you understand that ?" she said. i did not feel beautiful and fearless at all but it did make me feel a tiny bit better. 

"okay" i said

"are you okay?" she asked. i honestly don't even know.

"yes" i said with a light sob , she must have herd it. 

"saara..." 

"i am not okay , mom" i gave up and cried out , i could not hold it in any longer. 

"what is happening ? tell me please" she sounded worried.

"it hurts mama , it hurts so much" i sobbed.

"what hurts ? speak to mama" she sounded even worried than before.

"i don't know mama , i really don't , it hurts so bad , everything is hurting , i don't know how long i can take it , i don't know how to stop it. please do something mama , anything , it hurts too much" i cried hard. this must have been the first time in last three years she has heard me crying. i don't know what she is feeling. "im sorry for disturbing you mama , i'll speak to you later" i added and hung up. 

i did not want to depress mom with my shitty life. 

i looked at the ceiling for a while and then got up. i went to the bathroom to take a cold shower. i changed into some normal cloths. 

i have no idea what to do. i felt so mumb,

 what about lando ? is he happy ? did he really not feel anything for me in these past three months ? 

it was hurting so much. everything was. not only the heartbreak , but all the things from my dream. 

am i that bad ? it's never gonna change , is it ? it's never gonna get better , is it ? it will just continue hurting. and i won't be able to do anything.

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okay , i am so heartbroken right now.....

and sorry for the short chapter

tell your loved ones that u love them ! and in case you have not heard it today , you are a truly lovely and beautiful soul and person. 

i love you all 

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