In Love and Diplomacy

Chapter Forty-Six: I Know You

"What if who I hoped to be was always me?
And the love I fought to feel was always free?
What if all the things I've done, yeah
Were just attempts at earning love? Yeah
'Cause the hole inside my heart is stupid deep"

- Jon Bellion, "Stupid Deep"

Chapter Forty-Six

My head jerked back. Once again, that wasn't what I was expecting.

"Excuse me?" I gasped.

"Look, I understand you've been through a lot. Hell, I need therapy just hearing it. You need to remind me to get you the number of that virtual therapy center, because I mean, geez, the party alone was traumatizing enough. But on the other side, and I mean this with all the love in the world, some of this isn't new. Some of these issues have existed for a long time. And quite frankly, you're an idiot for leaving."

"Leaving where? How am I an idiot?" I asked indignantly.

"You left him. You let your insecurities chase you away from happiness. You are so in doubt of yourself — and you know this. You've always known this. You have that self-awareness, and I know you do, because we've talked about this before. You don't let yourself live. I don't think you ever have. And now you've somehow doubted yourself so much you transferred that doubt to him. You left."

There was no pause, no break, just an avalanche. Just some spark that'd ignited into an unstoppable admission and paired chastisement.

"I don't—"

"No. I've watched you chase away happiness for years. Just so you can chase some idea of an ideal career that might not even match your expectations. You're always saying how you don't have time for a relationship, and now you're saying you're leaving for D.C., without even trying. So yeah, you're an idiot. You can have both. It's not D.C. or him. It's not one or the other. I've been trying to tell you for so long, but you're stubborn as hell. Again, I say it with love! But you need to know: you don't have to choose one, Avery. You don't have to leave him, and think that's the end."

I stared. This was obviously a long time coming. Like a misbehaving cat being sprayed with water, she sat across from me and pulled the trigger. It was clearly years of a bitten tongue finally being relinquished to the wild.

Yet she was voicing what I'd been thinking for years; what'd consumed my thoughts for weeks now. That maybe what I wanted wasn't black and white. That maybe there was something worth having waiting to be found in the grays.

"You don't need a man. That's great. But you can want one. As long as that's not the reason you're in a relationship, you can be open to one. You can let yourself want someone. And I know you. You give yourself one-hundred percent to whatever you do, Avery. I admire that, but I don't think you have to limit yourself to only one thing. Years ago I told you the best piece of relationship advice I had was to find someone who matches what you give or resentment will grow. I tell that to everyone. To find someone who matches what you put in and is willing to fill in when you can't, and vice versa. No relationship can be imbalanced in effort forever. I stand by that, and it sounds like you did. You found someone who puts the effort in, who could be willing to go the distance to make it work."

She looked hard into my eyes.

"Just because you tend to give everything you have, that doesn't mean you can't have anything else or that you're limited. I wasn't saying you had to pick something to give one hundred percent to, or that the other person has to give it instead. You need to figure out how to have both. You give your all, and that's great, but you can give your all to more than one thing. I really believe that. You just need someone who can love what you give and forgive what you can't. If you can't give your all to everything, that's fine. No one expects you to never make sacrifices. There will be times you have to prioritize, but that doesn't mean you can't have a career, too."