In Love and Diplomacy

Chapter Thirty: You Shook Me All Night Long

"Let the world around us just fall apart
Baby, we can make it
If we're heart to heart
And we can build this dream together
Standing strong forever"

- Starship, "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now"

Chapter Thirty

As I lay in the dark, thoughts of Kennedy wiggled in my brain. She surely had Rolo by now.

And by now, she might hate me. What kind of person abandoned their dog? And what kind of person didn't have the decency to show their face while doing it?

But my history with her whispered, telling me there was no way she wouldn't think something was off. She was smarter than that. Our friendship murmured in my ear, suggesting maybe she wouldn't hate me, maybe she'd be worried about me instead. She was well-aware that Rolo was everything to me. I really hoped she knew I wouldn't just drop Rolo like that, like he was just some obstacle to my career.

Yet the insecure part of me still clashed with those quiet voices of reason. It asked how she could think any different when she'd been told otherwise; she'd been told a cover story by Simon posing as an intern. Kennedy had heard me promise many times before to do whatever it'd take to achieve my goal.

I also thought of Oliver. He barely understood what I did, not for lack of trying. His mind just didn't welcome discussions of politics, law, and government like mine. His mind welcomed discussions of his restaurant, football, and Kennedy. He would politely ask questions and try to follow along, but he wasn't interested in any of it. He wouldn't understand why Simon was dropping off Rolo any more than Kennedy would accept it. But if worst came to worst, I believed they'd take care of Rolo for as long as he needed. He'd be another addition to their perfect life.

Kennedy and Oliver were living a perfect life. So why couldn't I? Was this karma or some twisted butterfly effect? Had I sneezed in seventh grade and ruined my life? Where had I gone wrong that they hadn't?

I was old enough to admit nothing was ever really perfect. There was no such thing — but damn, if they weren't a lot closer to it than I was.

They loved each other, they loved their lives, they loved the path they were on. They had a future even if their career fell out from under them. Their future was each other, their wedding, and the kids I was sure would pop out in the next couple years. And if Kennedy didn't see me as a horrible dog-abandoner by the time this was over, I would be Aunt Avery. The lonely aunt that maybe drank a little too much wine, had a few too many pets, and spent a little too much time alone. Maybe that was all I'd ever be. Was I okay with that? Was I okay not having a future of my own if my career fell out from under me?

My mind drifted. Thoughts of Reed scraped and lodged across my neurons. Cells lit up like Christmas trees as I thought about the draw I had to him. It was a troublesome draw that chafed my clarity and my purpose. I barely had any scraps of self to rub together anymore — but sometimes that was different when I thought of him. Thoughts of him ignited, and I collected the scraps of self like flowers. I built a bouquet of what was left to offer, like it could be presented to him in foolish hope, attempting to have something I didn't think I'd ever find.

I'm so angry at him. Doesn't that change anything?

Was it supposed to? But what was there to change? I was still incredibly frustrated by him. I was still incredibly intrigued by him. Both were as consistent as they'd been the first time we'd met. I was hurt he'd accused me; it was painful and I was furious, but I still couldn't shake him. That was almost more frustrating than anything else.

The motel bed was terribly uncomfortable. My knee hurt. Everything hurt. But my mind wasn't focused on that, I was focused on something else. Because for once, I was ready to let myself dream of something other than my career.