Traces and Storms

xxxvi

   The gentle sunshine streamed through the living room window, casting a golden light against the porcelain vase and steaming mugs on the coffee table. It must have been autumn, considering Dad was wearing long sleeves. I watched as he picked up his mug—eyes still fixed on the newspaper in front of him, he took a short sip before placing it back down on the coaster.

I followed suit, and the lukewarm taste of chocolate traveled down my throat. I licked my upper lip and said 'ahem'. Much to my surprise, he chuckled at my gesture.

"Dad," I began.

He folded the newspaper and laid it down on the couch. "What is it, Suji?"

"What's rape?"

"Have you ever thought that maybe, you being born wasn't a gift, but a curse, instead? I feel sorry for your mother. She had a lot going for her—your dad should just die."

"Where did you learn that word, Suji-yah?" Dad's voice was warm, and he was smiling, but his hands were already trembling.

"No Face." I muttered. "No Face said rape is what you did to Mom."

"Adults smile when they lie. You should keep that in your head. You can say your mom loves you. How come? She spends more time with orphans than you—she can't stand the very sight of you."

"No Face?"

"I play with her sometimes."

"Where?"

I smiled. "It's a secret."

"If you really love your mom, you'll stop weighing her down. Do you want me to tell you how? I'll even help you out."

"What kind of games do you play, Suji?"

"It's a secret."

"They're just candies. There's nothing to be afraid of."

"But—"

"You told me you love your mom."

"I do, but—"

"If you mean it, you'd do this for her."

"But I'm scared."

"You're not scared. You're just selfish."

My wrists writhed in pain. It was difficult to breathe. Despite the thick smoke, I caught a distinct scent: a combination of fresh soap and melons. The dark room spun. The smell of earth and rust—muffled voices, as if I was trapped underwater and everybody else stayed on the surface. Someone was calling my name in sheer panic and desperation, commanding me to stay awake.

-::-

I was breathing hard. That was what urged my brain to wake me up. I sat up straight, and what greeted me first was the steady hum of the frequency that would usually fill in the silence. It took me some time to remember where I was.

That's right. I thought. You ran away.

I groped for my phone, and was able to find it lodged between my pillows. Remembering I turned it off on purpose, I rummaged my bag until I found my digital wristwatch. It was already noon.

There was nothing much to do in the mountains, and perhaps, that sense of idleness was what I really needed just so I'd be able to hear my own thoughts in the midst of the noise. I grabbed a towel provided by the management and carried on to the bathroom to freshen up. It was much too early, and hiking wouldn't be ideal because of the heat. I decided to head down to the nearest town to have a proper meal and maybe even look around.