live before i leave

chapter 3

"Motherfucker" I said as my mom looked at me and I got into the car.

" God you aren't supposed to curse" she said giving me a look that says do you wanna drive." Am not comfortable". She said as we hit the road.

" Am I the reason?" I was already angry at myself. So I am also making her angry too.

" I want to handle the wheels"

* So what you are using my condition to judge me now. I am not capable huh"

" Halaam I never said that" she raised a brow and looked at my shaking hands as I sped up" if you are gonna keep driving like a human isn't in this car, I'll appreciate it if you drop me"

I was tired I didn't know what to think again. I looked at her and I saw fear" you don't want to die?"

" Of course I don't want to die now, now or later not in a car crash".she sighed and I fought a tear" do you want to die this way?"

" What's the difference am gonna die anyway".

" Fuck!" She said. God so my mom swears." I never want to put it this way for you. You are my daughter and I love you Hal. But if you feel you are alone then you are wrong. What do you think? That you are the only person in this condition huh?. You have every right to feel depressed,but feel our love too.". Iparked the car in a corner and came down. She followed me, I think I know where I got my spirit.

" Don't you get?, I lost everything and everyone. Albert ,my life and I'll loose you. Dad and the twin."

" You aren't loosing us. We love you and we'll stand by you. You got a list of things to do. Fall in love,or wait for love. Sadiq is a good guy and I get he is angry you are dying. But us, we are gonna make your moment the best. Meanwhile, let's win your case. "

That's not what I want".

" Do you think this is what I want?. Do you think we all get what we want?. Me standing here right now trying to make you understand the shit of life?. We take what life throws at us when things doesn't work out. "

She hugged me and I started crying I held her tight, scared of loosing her and this moment. " I don't want to die" she joined me and started crying on the grass not caring what people thought

......... .......... ...........

When we got home, I was hearing voices an mom looked at me smiling. God the twin were back and Dad was at home. I drifted to the last time we went to the hospital when I was 13 . I was diagnosed of leukemia but it was treated. The doctor said the changes of it coming back were low, but it could still come. I guess it came like predicted. The slamming of the car door got me out of my daydream. Mom was out of the car,so I came down too and gave her a bright smile I have been trying to muster. We got in and I saw the twin and my dad turn to us. Nabila looked at me but didn't smile, nabil ran to me and hugged me. She just walked to where I was.

" Finally you came". I didn't know if it was a question or a statement. And if it was a statement I suppose a hug supposed to follow. My mom looked at me and shaked her head smiling. Well I don't see anything to smile for. Is she happy I came or sad. I watched her as she turned to dad smiling and they went to the kitchen. My brother pinched me removing me from my thoughts.

" Ooh sister I missed you. I thought I was gonna use you and go back home ". He said giving a puppy face. I threw my hijab and sat on the chair. They are family. I got nothing to loose opening my hair.

" Today has been hectic" i said remembering Albert episode and the stupid exotic frank. " I met stupid people today" I said and got a look from my mom and dad and nabil with nabila" except you guys of course" I said smiling and nabil grinned. " I love you guys". I looked at mom and she gave a weak smile.

" Are you going somewhere?". Nabila asked with no emotion and I turned to look at her face." Are you going again?".

" What is that supposed to mean?"

" Everything. The fact you don't stay with us like we have the Corona virus or we have plague. Or you are way out of our lease" she said raising her hands up like mom.

" Young lady what are you saying? " I said getting up.

" Ooh who says I love you except when they are leaving? It's not like we look like your boyfriend who stupidly waited for you to come over here for like how many years".

" Maybe one or two" I said getting angry

" Or three or five"

" This is not like you"i lookd in her eyes and saw anger

" Like you knew me when you were touring the universe.if you came home to hear I love you too better go continue your adventures" she said walking

" I actually came to hear that" I said as my mom rolled her eyes and nabil tried holding a laugh. He found it funny. I am about dying and my sister is becoming Angelina Jolie. A tear dropped as nabil realized how I was serious. Good for him. My mom came to my side but I held a hand up" I am dying"

Nabil's mouth Fell open and nabila had a look of horror. " I have less than a year to live or more" my mom threw her face elsewhere and my dad turned red.

" Well fuck you" nabila said turning to her room. Seriously that wasn't the reply I was waiting to hear. Or the action I expected.

" Fuck me!"

" Fuck you and when you go to hell tell devil I said hi"

That hurts , I slapped her. She looked at me and her eyes were filled with rage, her body shaking. " I deserve to be respected, if I don't have your sympathy give me that"

" Well work for it!. You don't deserve it if you're just traveling around the world forgetting you have a family or a sister who should respect you"

" Is that what this is about?. Me traveling or not being around. I thought you loved it without me". I was getting tired

" Without me trying to live in your shoes!". She looked at my mom and she had a look of horror,God  I was lost." You traveling and me trying to fit that big shoe of yours."

" Shoe. My leg is smaller than yours" I tried to lighten the situation but I could feel her words sinking in.

" This is it what do you ever take serious. Not even your life and now you are loosing it. You didn't take your responsibilities well and now you are leaving.making me handle things now without you. Trying to be the perfect daughter!".I felt my tears falling and her too crying. " I went to your boring school and am even about to study law. Trying to be like you. Of course I loved you,but am forced to doing everything you did. You never cared, always enjoying your life."

" Am sorry" I said feeling my knees go weak and falling as nabil came to my aid

" Well I hope you die" she ran out of the door.