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chapter forty-one new person, same old mistakes
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Moving out of Hawkins was the best thing that had happened to Rue Newby. She could immediately feel a sense of relief on her shoulders the instant she left the dreadful and cursed town. Of course, since she had left Hawkins, Rue hadn't felt anything like herself. She felt as if she were a body rather than a person. There was no spark left in her, no light in her eyes that when someone glanced, they knew: that's Rue Newby.
Or Rue Byers.
Whatever the fuck it was.
The thing is, Ruewasn't Rue anymore. She hasn't felt like Rue in a long time now. It was as if she had left behind her whole being across the country in Hawkins.
It wasn't always like this. In the early days, weeks, or even a few months after moving to Lenora Hills, Rue could still connect with herself. It was with time that she lost herself, the longer she stayed away from Hawkins the more she changed, and the more she became a brand new person.
But that wasn't a bad thing, either. Despite that voice in the back of her head telling her how she had let people down. Despite her therapist telling her that this change of persona was her brain trying to adapt to this new life. That it was fake. Fake. Fake.
This isn't you. This isn't you. This isn't you. This isn't you.
Rue didn't care. She'd rather live this way for the rest of her life than return to Hawkins, where she'd always have to look over her shoulder or be afraid of what's there or isn't there.
This was better. Lenora Hills was better. So what if she was always angry? Better angry than sad. Better angry than afraid. Better angry than miserable. Better to be careless than having to overthink. Better to be rash than prudent.
