Milk and Honey (GirlxGirl)(Lesbian Story)

Pt 2: Chapter Five

LEILANI

My friends gathered around me supportively on my couch. At this point, I had no tears left to cry. All I felt was anger flowing through my veins. I wasn't sure if I was more angry at myself or at Remi. I was angry at myself for not realizing all the shady sh-t she was doing behind my back, for trying my best to be the best girlfriend I could be and for giving her passes that she didn't even deserve. I was angry at Remi for lying, cheating and manipulating me through the whole relationship to think she was an innocent, faithful person. She wasn't, she was the opposite. Nothing pissed me off more than liars and even though I always tried to avoid them, it was like I was attracted to them. It made me feel like something was wrong with me. Maybe I just wasn't destined to be in a healthy relationship, maybe I just needed to be by myself.

I knew it was just my emotions boiling over and talking, however, I sat in them. I sat in anger as the consoling voices of my friends went through one ear and out of the other. I was thankful for them being here, however, at the moment, I was so trapped in my thoughts and my emotions that I could barely engage with them. I felt so many emotions at once from anger to embarrassment to emptiness that I finally just blurted, "I'm f-cking tired."

Sasha rubbed my back and asked me in the most gentle voice, "Do you need a nap?"

"I'm not that kind of tired. I'm tired of seeing the best in people then finding out they're actually assholes. It sucks to put my guard down for someone only for them to play with me and let me down like this. It pisses me the f-ck off!" At this point, I'm unsure any of the girls knew what to say. I felt like it was just things I needed to say aloud to grant myself some kind of peace, so I continued. "I saw the best in Trey when he was just a grooming, abusive piece of sh-t who nearly murdered me. I saw the best in Tristan, and though, she has changed a lot and part of me regrets giving up on us, she lied about her past history of abuse which was hurtful. I saw the best in Remi, and all she's been doing is cheating on me and seemed to only be with me to have some weird power over me. That's three times I've been deeply hurt and at this point, I'm thinking maybe all this sh-t is my fault. Am I too trusting? Am I f-cking stupid?"

Kali was the first to say something. "Leilani, you have a beautiful heart, a loving and giving heart. You're not too trusting or stupid. You give others grace, chances, affection, love and you deserve to have that back. It's not your fault your asshole exes couldn't give you that back."

I spoke again, "And Trey and Remi were definitely assholes, but you know, I don't want to put Tristan in that category. At the end of the day, she kept her past from me because she didn't want to lose me, not because she wanted control over me or to potentially abuse me. I see where her heart was, even though it was still heartbreaking to find out. I just wish she was more real with me and she is now, she showed me that by telling me about Remi. I knew she was scared to tell me and didn't want to see me hurt or for me to take it out on her, but she told me anyway. That means a lot and shows she's not one of my asshole exes."

China nodded. "You know, sometimes it's harder for us to address and face our past. There's no excuses for Tristan not addressing her past sooner in y'all's relationship, and I know when y'all broke up, we all sh-t talked Tristan because that's what girls do after a hard break up. But I know she's genuinely a good person and I, for one, am so happy she told you the truth before you fell in love with Remi." Kali and Sasha nodded in agreement and so did I.

"Yeah, I'm not even heartbroken, just disappointed. Just between us, I was trying to mold Remi to be more like Tristan anyway," I admitted. "I was barely attracted to Remi at first. I just needed someone to help me get over Tristan, but the more I tried to get over her, the more I wanted her. The more I wanted Remi to be like her, to treat me like her. Now, Tristan and I are friends again and it's like...damn, I find myself wanting her even more."