My uncle is pathetically engaged and it's our last night here. The crickets are whistling and the window is releasing a light breeze that ripples through my hairs above my skin, standing slightly. The sky is lit with a warm amber, whisked with a teaspoon of black chai. The chimneys mimic the adaptable tradition of Mary Poppins, old stories tale my mind. My lashes flutter to the warmth, cooling my lips that droop from the tip of my nose. My feet too hot while my head too cold. I'm listening to Lighthouse by Patrick Watson.
I get to see his face tomorrow. The outline of his teeth that mark the light in his eyes, the cheeks of his that move from below his mouth to beside his eyes. His smile is something I love about him. His flaws captivate me, they intrigue me. Not only for my satisfaction, but the thought of something imperfect, something I can relate to.
She's a red rose type of girl.
But how can she not be?
Because when his lips grow a pure blush
and the eyes of his face as piercing as the thorns.
Yes, i'm a red rose type of girl
proud to be.
I believe to love is like a paper cut. The first cut is a sting, healing becomes a working rhythm. Then you spill a toxin, and the sting runs through your body once again, reopening the wound and adjusting it to a small fleshy bleed. Too much soap stings and that small fleshy bleed becomes an agile agony. Eventually time seals the bleed as well as the open wound but every so often looking down, the scar is an engraved memory.
I had a paper cut today. I waited for her to fetch me a wet rag, only to come to the realisation she had left a long time ago.
Rolling over, my eyes stung from the salt and my throat burned from the limit of oxygen.
You're stronger than this Olivia. Get a fucking grip.
So, I did as I always do. Closing my eyes, to limit this overthinking.
So sometimes I can't control my thoughts, sometimes I wonder why it wasn't a forever thing... mommy and me.
It doesn't anger me anymore, I'm just confused, as confused as you may be.
I guess she wasn't down for forever.
With another breath, I build from her love, castles higher than the strings she had me on. Her ankles sank in the sand that sobbed repeatedly. The waves buckled the little blue boat and her eyes begged for my rescue. This time it was late.
She was lost, but so was the little blue boat, 48 miles below the ocean.
Distorted white mellows washed the sky's ora...I had a dream last night. Owen and I, on his bike...
Stop it's going too fast, please.
No this is fun!
Slow down Owen please, please.
Alright but tell me you love me.
Why?
Just do it
I love you. Slow down!
Put this helmet on it's getting in my way Olivia.
I love you.
That's when I noticed the break missing from the bike.
friday
It's wet
The air is wet. Exams are almost at a past rather than a present. My heartbeat is in my earphones. I think what I love most about running is the adrenaline that fed my anger. Yet I perform my best when I'm being watched, by many men and women. I loved the validation.
Slowing down, not only my feet but my heart came to a stop. I didn't hear anything; I was silenced by the music. A boy I recognised stood a few feet around the corner I bellowed at. The closer I grew the more boys appeared. Until my mouth went dry and my eyes felt cold.
They beckoned him to turn in my gaze when our eyes met. My mind told me to turn around but my heart didn't. It was him, my first love. I did something I hadn't recognised before. I kept walking. I don't know what I thought would have happened, whether someone would have stopped me or laughed at me or summoned me. Whether I endangered myself in that position. They did not. Instead, they balanced themselves out to create a pathway for me. I could name about six who stood there, I guess I gave them no choice.
Watching his eyes lift to mine felt so much different than before. There was no fight. Imagine love with no fight, no passion. If you have love with no fight, what kind of love do you have? That's when I knew that I could love him over and over, hurt over and over, and nothing would change. For love, two have to love and I want a love I deserve, a two way love.
Once the rain comes, it will eventually stop raining.
