02:10
I now understand a little better
he told me about tonight, movie night with his mom - how I envied his stableness. I was always so content with my little family, when did it change? Change is such a deadly time pass. It proves that it doesn't happen then and there, it happens slowly and painfully and blindly. I was blind to the change that formed within my small home. Now my role model of a mother is undeniably in depth with her addictions, my father has given up and my sweetheart little sister has poison running through her veins and can barely be trusted with tweezers. I'm somewhere in all of it and nothing of it.
I'm sat here with a curl in my nose, scrunching it hard enough to feel a burn within the bridge of it. It is so fucking frustrating, so fucking frustrating. I wanna scream so hard I become unconscious. I wanna throw a tantrum loud enough somebody hears. I wanna hold my breath long enough blood parts from my heart. I want to go blue. I want to discolour from nature.
Her words mark territory In my mind
I feel a change liv, I feel the old me is gone.
Only to wake up to the same drunken mess every single day. What i'd do to make her feel the pain I do.
11:11
Make a wish
I tell myself softly
Every time it's to have a prettier nose
to have a prettier smile
a prettier face
How I wish to be so oblivious to what I had again
I have no motivation to continue
I have nothing to lose
In a world I thought I had so much
I realise I have so little now
So I reveal my weakness
and I turn to you god
Please take control
because I'm afraid if you don't
I will
I have no energy to halt these thoughts
I'm being selfish
but when am I selfish?
one time won't hurt
will it?
my thoughts run over what lipstick I shall wear
what I shall be dressed in
my skin shall be pure, perfectly shaded gold
and my eyes shall shine blue from the salt marked in my tears
my hair will be done beautifully
and my lashes shall spread long
my arm will be pierced with Emily's birth date
and a symbol of my dad's nickname on my shoulder
the day I met my best friend on my ankle
and finally
you on my forehead
the place he kissed me the most
the place he reserved
the target he shot at
