I find myself pondering in the past far too long. It's time for a new beginning, a new perspective.
Just before I do start that new chapter, I'd like to finish a few pages I forgot to title; a few people I forgot to praise.
I want to firstly acknowledge the fact I wouldn't be who I was today without the people I've managed to drag along, contrastingly the people I've been able to stumble across in the darkest depths of 'a wrong turn'.
I've had friends upon friends, who have turned out to be the scratch marks in my back, or the voices in my head. I've had people look down on me for wanting to stand alone, for wanting to be different. I've been bullied and stripped inside out. I've met people I wanted to keep forever. I've met people I wanted to love forever but have somehow failed and managed to lose unwillingly, regrettably and violently.
I've managed to lose what I thought was my responsibility to keep, my purpose to maintain - but that's just not the case is it? We lose things everyday without realisation, whether it's as big as time, or as little as a pair of glasses. In what I've learnt, it's because they no longer hold purpose, they no longer feed you with the hunger you had before. In some other world, I would have liked to keep those ten minutes more or my favourite pair of glasses. But in this one; they favoured me no longer, just like I favoured them no more.
But I have the time, and I have chosen this time to write a little thank you letter. Gratitude for these people that are attached to a daisy chain of thought, a chain of memories. For in ten years I'll be cheering for a new set of people, in a different form, sighing at the fact I have a couple new wrinkles but another ten years of wisdom. Just like the fact I'll turn the radio on, my ears will prick up to the song playing, my eyes may water or I may just smile. At the fact our song is playing, I'll be reconnected to the way you made me smile, the way I giggled at your humour, how unselfish you were and how beautiful your face sat. The way I could never understand your insecurities, as all I seemed to see was perfection in the rippling of your hair, the tightness of your core and the largeness of your eyes. I thought you were stunning. I was proud. I was proud to be your best friend. Maybe I didn't say it enough.
But I could see where you were broken, the parts of you that were chipped. And I could understand, I could understand the way you communicated, and why you did. The way you lied to decrease the chances of feeling naked; not being able to be seen. I know how uneasy it was for you to feel loved, I know how much you wanted to feel free.
But I was jealous.
It took me a long time to understand that it wasn't my fault. Being jealous was natural, being jealous wasn't wrong. I was jealous because I knew I'd lost you. I knew I was losing something I wanted to keep forever.
I was jealous at the fact you'd found your freedom without me. I was jealous of the fact I knew you and I weren't made for forever. I was hurting and wanted you to save me from the hurt I felt, I wanted to share my hurt with you. Only to realise you weren't made for that. I caught you and you'd released me way before I'd realised.
Yet I do miss dancing with you, you made me think nobody was watching.
I can say happily you and I were never dull.
But to catch, has to be released.
So when the radio does come on... when my ears prick up to the beat you and I learnt. The memories we cherished and engraved. I promise to smile, I promise to dance, and laugh.
I promise to catch and release.
