15.05.21
I threw up once.. but I wasn't a fan, yet weirdly it repeated once again today.
As the urge to retrieve what they call fuel, ascending through my throat gagged upon me, I felt good it had gone. I felt good it no longer sat in the pit of my stomach. It felt good being empty.
My throat burnt and my head throbbed as relief ran rapidly past my mind, milking my inner thoughts and creating multiverse gaps between my brain and my stomach.
The structure of my brain is fucked. I'm emotionally devised between loving what I hate, what I'm against, what I despise. I love lying and manipulating, I love hurting and using, I love being alone, I love being in control of what I cannot control. I love the voices in my head, I love headaches and the pains that sit in my bones.
I'm only blending in with this world of lies, let me be.
But I've met someone...
"I want to fuck you" he whispers
Pulling his height down to mine, leaning inside my eyes.
My lips were closer than inches apart from his. I could feel his adrenaline syncing with mine like music as I watched my name slip out his mouth.
"Olivia"
He intentionally breaks the eye contact, his eyes wonder to my lips, down to my breasts, to the tips of my nipples. His hand tracing down my torso.. from the outside of my hip.. to the inside of my thigh. I bit down on my bottom lip, unintentionally bruising the insides of my flesh.
I felt high.
I need him
He wants me...
I kiss him, steering my hand around his neck pulling him into my mouth. My lips pressed upon his felt insane. The way our mouths moved, the desperation of our hands.
My legs quiver from his heavy breathing inside my neck, his drive of my hips as I grind on his crotch. I had no fucking idea what I was doing. It didn't matter. His grip on my hair, his control of my body. It was the first time I've ever felt fully naked, stripped from my embarrassment, stripped from any kind of fear. The first time I'd been fully conscious, fully studied by somebody other than myself. I was so alive I could hear his watch tick; all my senses working together.
I kiss his neck sucking the skin between my teeth crystallising his flesh. His hand thread down through my body... playing with the outside of my pant line. Circling his fingers over my clit and down my lingerie. Looking at me carefully, softly, Is this okay?
I smile and before I could give him an answer he inserts both of his fingers inside me, pushing upwards against my pelvis. His rhythm was immaculate, I could tell he'd done this before. My moans were a lot louder than I intended them to be.. hearing me made his cock hard as fuck. I could tell how pretty I sounded by his smirking. He places a single finger to his lips trying to mute me of any form of sound. Remembering his brother was on the other side of the wall, I try to be as quiet as I can be.
He enjoyed hearing what he did to me. At this point I could tell he was urging to be inside me. Licking my tits, he sucks in between them creating blood to sync to the surface of my skin. Turning me over, he bites my ass, sinking his teeth into me to create evidence of some sort. Sliding his dick over my pussy.. teasing me slowly. I was so unaware of what was happening, so passionately content in the moment. His erection grew, feeding my body with his tip and nothing but that. His cock felt ecstatic as it touched the tip of my clit, it felt electronic. Feel yourself. I did as I was told.
I was wetter than water, he'd stimulated me to juice. I'd imagined he had full control of himself... until I hear him groan fuck it.
We both gasp.
Now, it's his noises I hear as well as my own. This deeper moan as I try to press him out... Screaming... I press my head into the duvet, clenching the sheets, digging my nails into the creases of the lignin. It was the best hurt I'd ever felt... the best pain I could ever experience.
Burying himself within me, I felt myself clench to draw more of him inside me, until I felt him expand within me. Keeping my legs from collapsing; he held them with his arms above his shoulders, like a bonnet prop, pressing his head against mine and moaning inside my mouth with breaks of our kisses. After all of the warnings about sex, how could this feel so good? He fucked me harder than I ever thought he would, at this point he'd completely forgotten this was my first time but then again... so had I.
I felt a thrush come over my brain, as he pounded my insides. I felt so explosive.
Turn over .
I do as I'm told.
It won't hurt as much
Sliding in and out of me, I lose sight of breath once again, I forgot how to breathe. Realising I may soon turn blue, he kisses my shoulders and slows his pace asking if I'm okay.
Hardly being able to talk I respond with
Mhm
Tell me if you want me to go slower okay
Just developing the right number of words, I say
No
Firmly.
Pulling out he asks once again if I'm okay, reassuring me constantly that it was me in control overall. It was so fucking attractive.
I was lying there breathless, shaking... wildfire spread all over my body.
Deep breathing I reassure him with a gentle smile.
I can tell he's smug, you could say proud of himself.
Short time elapses and I stand up, still shaking, yet his eyes told me he wasn't done.
Throwing his fingers around my neck he pushes me down...
that's when we hear the door.
he looks at me. His smirk drops, making me giggle. My phone was empty of notifications... Throwing me the wrong joggers I throw on the same hoodie I started the night with and scan my reflection for any mysterious love stains or blood bites. I wipe the mascara from under my eyes and run downstairs. The adrenaline kicked back in at this point because I could stand up, not perfectly, a little hazed but just enough to open the door. At this point I think it was paranoia as there was no one at the door and there was no one calling for my attention other than him. Still slightly shaking, I grip a glass from the cupboard and completely miss where I aimed to place it. Shattering it, watching it spray the floor with it's mess. Everything seemed to be funny, and everything felt good. Going to pick up the pieces, I feel arms grip round my waist and lift me to a safer surrounding. Just sit there, I'll sort it loser. Looking at him with those fuck me eyes I'm apparently now good at, I sigh, now gripping the kitchen counter to keep me up right.
I felt degraded, and at the same time completely infatuated.
