"It wasn't your fault."
Those were the words that surrounded Michael Clifford, whispered to him by family, friends and, in his best moments, himself. They would say, "it's okay, there's nothing you could have done."
But in his heart, Michael knew that it was his fault. There was something he could have done, no matter what they said. And he also knew that nothing would ever be okay if he could never again see the golden halo of his sister Grace's curls, or the bangs that twisted and curved across her forehead like a water slide into her aqua blue eyes. He knew he would never get over the fact that he would never hear her carefree laugh, that somehow sounded exactly like little bells tinkling, or feel her soft hand curling around his fingers.
He couldn't bear to think that he would never wake in the middle of the night and turn to see Grace standing in the doorway, her pink princess pyjamas cast in shadow. He would never hear her confess that she had had a nightmare, and he would never feel her crawl into bed next to him and wrap her tiny arms around his waist, pressing her round cheek against his chest.
It used to be an annoyance to him, to be woken in the middle of the night by his five year old sister, but now he knew without a doubt that he would give anything, absolutely anything in the world to feel his little sister hug him again.
Whenever he thought about her, he felt the dense cloud of regret and longing wrap itself around his heart, linger over him like a disease and tug at his lungs until he couldn't breath. He wished with all his heart that it could have been him that had died instead of her. She was so young, she didn't deserve to die. She had never done drugs or shoplifted or gotten drunk. He had done all of those things; why wasn't it him that was dead now? Why did it have to be her?
But at least he was getting what he deserved. He was getting his punishment. Because for the rest of his life, he had to live with the fact that his poor, little sister was dead, and it was his fault.
Thanks so much for reading!
Loser_Luke
