As Michael descended the stairs the next morning, he couldn't stop seeing Ari's tear streaked face. When he closed his eyes, her sorrow filled his vision, and he felt a strange wrenching feeling in his gut, like he was recovering from a sucker punch.
He entered the kitchen to see Sue sitting at the table, a plate of toast in front of her.
She pushed it towards him as he sat down, and he took a slice, biting into it, trying to swallow the sick feeling that had taken a firm seat in his throat since Grace's death and intensified after the previous nights revelations.
"How'd you sleep?" Suzanne asked concernedly.
Michael just shook his head.
Sue made an "aw" noise in her throat and then asked, "is there anything I can do?"
"No," Michael swallowed his most recent bite of toast. "Don't worry about it."
"Michael..." Suzanne took a breath, and she was obviously weighing her words very careful. Finally, she said. "Have you ever thought about...maybe...talking to someone about...everything?"
Michael bristled. "You mean...like a therapist?"
"Well-"
"I'm not seeing a shrink." Michael interrupted, standing up.
It must have been final and stubborn sounding enough to dissolve any of Suzanne's planned arguments, because she just sighed and nodded. "Okay."
"I'm going for a walk." Michael grabbed a second piece of toast and headed towards the front door.
"Okay." He heard Suzanne say again.
He pulled on his shoes and opened the door, breathing in the thick, humid air. He made his way to the sidewalk and watched his feet as they took step after step forward. He remembered the old superstition his friends used to chant back in kindergarten. "Step on a crack, break your mothers back."
It seemed silly, but back then he had really believed it, and he had been careful to avoid stepping on each crack, no matter how silly it had made him look.
Now, though, he purposely stepped on each crack, feeling his anger at his parents reappear from where it had been hiding after Suzanne's suggestion. Maybe he was just trying to get the image of Ari in tears out of his head.
He decided to go to the park he had walked to the night before. He had a strange feeling that going there might answer some of his questions.
He was there in no time, and he was amazed at how different the park looked in daylight.
The trees and grass were glittering with dew, and the shining sun made several colourful bird houses hanging from the trees visible.
Michael made his way towards the picnic table and wiped the dew off of the seat with his sweater sleeve before sitting down.
He examined a pair of initials carved into a heart on the table's surface. G.A. + P.Q.
He wondered who they were, what their relationship had been like. Had it been flawed and full of problems, or had it been perfect?
"What are you doing here?"
Michael looked up, shocked, and caught sight of Ari standing in front of him, Luke at her side.
"Um...I don't know." Michael shrugged.
"It's a beautiful day, huh?" Ari smiled, sitting down across from Michael. Luke quickly did the same.
"Yeah." Michael felt relief flood through his veins. Ari looked as happy as ever, all of the sorrow he had seen in her face the night before gone.
Ari looked up at the sky, smiling at its blueness, and Michael looked at Luke. "Where's your other half?"
"Fishing." Luke sighed.
"He went with Wolfgang," Ari added.
"Why didn't you go with them?" Michael asked.
"I-" Luke began.
"He's scared of water." Ari interrupted, giggling.
Luke nodded, his cheeks a little red.
"What - why?" Michael couldn't hold back the laughter in his voice.
"I guess I'm scared of drowning." Luke shrugged, not really seeming sure.
"How do you, like...bathe?" Michael asked curiously.
"I'm just scared of large bodies of water," Luke explained. "Or...small ones."
"He can't take bath's." Ari laughed again.
Michael raised an eyebrow, and Luke nodded sadly.
"And Calum loves fishing, so I have to let him go sometimes, even though I can't come with him." Luke sighed.
"So when Calum goes fishing, We go to the Carnival," Ari smiled. "Want to come?"
"Um...what's the Carnival?" Michael asked.
"It's...a carnival?" Ari rolled her eyes. "Please tell me they have carnivals in America."
"Yeah, they do." Michael assured her.
Just then, two figures appeared at the edge of the park, one very tall and the other rather short. Michael recognized them as Ashton and Marigold. Marigold was wearing a yellow, summery dress today, with a spiked black belt around the waist and a pair of black combat boots on her feet. Her SnapBack rested atop her braided hair, and Michael noticed two lemon yellow ribbons that perfectly matched her dress holding the plaits in place.
Ari noticed him looking and turned around, smiling when she saw her sister and cousin. "Hey."
"Hey." Ashton smiled back as they drew closer, his dimples popping.
"Hi, Big Red." Marigold looked at Michael, leaning against the picnic table.
"What'd I do to earn that nickname?" Michael laughed, confused.
"Well, your last name is Clifford," Marigold twisted the end of her braid around her finger. "You know, Clifford the Big Red Dog? That's you."
Michael couldn't hold back his laughter. "I like it."
Marigold laughed giddily, and Ari mouthed "She has a crush on you." towards Michael.
Marigold noticed, and put her hands on her hips stubbornly. "I do not!"
"Yes you do!" Ari sang, grinning.
"No, I don't," Marigold argued before turning towards Michael. "While you're not unattractive, you're too old for me."
Michael shrugged and then said, jokingly, "Only six years difference. I might be able to get past it."
"Okaaaay," Ashton interjected. "I'm gonna cut in before this gets too weird for me. Are you guys headed to the carnival today?"
"Yeah." Ari said, still smiling.
"Would you guys mind if Goldy and I tagged along?"
"No problem," Ari nodded. "But if we're going, we'd better head that way now before the lines get too long."
---
The Carnival was a huge fairground filled with rides, game booths and market stalls. It was packed with people, and it seemed that everyone in the village was there that day, and then some.
They stopped at a booth by the entrance and paid for their wristbands, and then Marigold hurried ahead, seemingly entranced by all the excitement.
"Ooh, can I ride the teacups?" She asked, and Michael felt a stab of pain when he noticed the look in her eyes. It reminded him of Grace.
"You're ten years old and you still want to ride the teacups?" Ari laughed.
"Please, Ari!" Marigold begged.
"Why are you asking my permission?" Ari rolled her eyes. "You have a wristband. Just go."
"Ash, will you ride them with me?" Marigold turned to her cousin.
Ashton sighed, made a big show of looking around in case there may be anybody he knew watching and then nodded.
"Yay!" Marigold grabbed his hand and whisked him away, practically leaving a cloud of dust in the wake of her combat boots.
Luke giggled. "They're so cute."
"C'mon, Luke," Ari ignored his comment and grabbed his hand. "Let's go win you a unicorn."
They sped over to a game booth in the distance, but Michael chose to stay behind.
He was watching Ashton and Marigold in the teacups. The way Ashton held Marigold's hand, the way they both smiled from ear to ear because they didn't have anything to worry about. That could have been you, A voice in his head sneered. That could have been you and Grace. But she'll never be ten. She'll ever be anything, because of you.
Michael felt his heart clench up when he realized that Grace would never get to be any of the things she had wanted to be when she grew up. She would never be a sled dog trainer or a clown car mechanic, or even a doctor or a lawyer, and it was because of him.
He felt tears sting at the back of his eyes, and he spun around, hurrying to find a bathroom before he started to cry. He found one and made sure all of the stalls were empty before locking the door.
He faced away from the mirror because he didn't want to see himself. He rested his head against the wall and started to sob. He had lost track of the times he had cried like this, but if he had been counting, the number would have been enormous. When he cried, he felt like the weight of guilt and sadness on his chest was disappearing a little. He felt like the tears set him free.
As he sobbed, he remembered his sister. The way she had smiled. Her sweet golden hair. Her excitement with everything.
It should have comforted him, but it just made him cry harder.
When he finally had no tears left to shed, he turned and faced himself in the mirror. He barely recognized the person he saw there. His hair was still black, albeit a little faded, but his sandy roots had started to show. His eyes were red and puffy, tear tracks flowing past his sunken cheeks, and his jaw was covered in short stubble that he'd forgotten to shave.
He wiped the tears from his cheeks and blinked rapidly in an attempt to make his eyes less red, but it didn't work much. He ran a hand through his hair to try to make it neater and distract from his face, which made him look like he'd just smoked a truckload of pot, but that didn't work either. His messy hair chose to stay untamed.
He took a deep breath and turned away from the mirror, unlocking the door and stepping out into the blinding natural light. He began to search for his friends, and he hadn't gotten far when he spotted Ari, and Luke hurrying towards him, Luke clutching a giant, pink, stuffed unicorn. Marigold and Ashton were not far behind them, their cheeks still flushed from laughing.
Michael's attempt to repair his tear stained face had apparently failed, because when Luke caught sight of him, his eyes widened. "Whoa. What the hell happened to you?"
Ari shot Luke a "shut up!" look and elbowed him in the ribs before hurrying up to Michael, her faced concerned. "Michael, are you okay?" She ran her hand down his arm comfortingly.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Michael assured her.
It was obvious that she didn't believe him, but she didn't ask questions. However, Ari knew that something was wrong, just like Michael knew something wasn't right with her. She seemed okay, but he had seen her tear stained face.
"We're going to ride the roller coaster!" Marigold ran up to Michael, mercifully breaking the awkward silence. "will you come?"
"Um...I don't think so," Michael shrugged, feeling bad as Marigold's face fell. "I'm not much of a roller coaster guy."
"Don't worry about it," Ashton smiled reassuringly. "I'm not going either. I feel the same way."
"Well, we're going," Marigold grabbed Luke's hand. "And Ari is coming too. We've ridden this roller coaster every year since we moved here."
"Not you," Ari laughed. "You weren't tall enough until last year."
They hurried away, still chatting, and Ashton and Michael found a bench to wait for them at.
"So, when did Marigold and Ari move here?" Michael asked a question he had been wondering about for a while.
Ashton exhaled, looking at Michael. "Michael..." He bit his lip. "There's something you should really know about Ari."
WOOOT mini cliffhanger! This is probably going to be like the only cliffhanger in this book, so freak out.
Loser_Luke
