Meant To Be(?)

Chapter 8

I stand alone in the dressing rooms of JC Pennys,  mulling over what was my third attempt at choosing a swimsuit for my upcoming trip to Panama City. Just like the two before now, I find myself hating it. The way the leotard hugs against my hips and midsection was already starting to give me anxiety. It was as if whoever made it planned to have my curves on display when they designed it. I was already feeling the predatory eyes of boys and grown men alike staring at me. Sure it was just barely a step above the prior two-piece bikinis, both of which made me feel basically naked, but the small difference really only seems to matter more to me than any boy I've met. The whole thing is exhausting to even think about. I hear my mother's voice through the door bringing me back to reality.

"Iyeisha Yale. If it's all the same to you I'd like to do something other than stand in the mall for the rest of the week."

I  smack my teeth and whine helplessly.

"Ma I don't like it!"

"Baby you haven't liked the last four. What's wrong with it now?"

"What do you mean the last four? I've only tried on three."

"Um, Yea. After we came here to return the one I bought you. What was wrong with that one again?"

"It was too revealing and this one is too!"

"Oh my- Lord have mercy! ... Chile' Come out here and lemme see you."

I take a deep breath and open the door to the dressing room. Right away I feel completely exposed and I almost involuntarily stand with my knees together and my hands covering my ass. My mother looks me up and down, squinting.

"Help me out here Iyiesha. 'Cuz I'm not seeing what's wrong with it?"

"You don't see how tight it hugs me?!"

"Girl It is a SWIMSUIT,".

"Okay well, the swimsuit is too provocative. Boys everywhere are going to stare! I don't want all that attention on me. It's bad enough just trying to walk around wearing regular clothes. I feel like I'm basically inviting them to talk to me and I'm not."

I see my mother rub her temples before taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly. She looks at me with a softened expression before she speaks.

"Listen, love. You are a young girl that is growing into a beautiful woman. You are no doubt a bit curvier than some of the girls your age but that's nothing to be ashamed of. You are beautiful and you shouldn't feel like your body is something that should be hidden away. Obviously don't ever walk out of my house dressing like a fucking slut 'cuz I'll be damned, but you should be confident in your yourself. And just because you are confident doesn't mean you are making yourself a target. You are a princess which is nothing but a queen to be. These li'l boys out here should be intimidated by your confidence and self-worth.

I look up at my mom.

"How am I supposed to find a man someday if I'm scaring them all away?"

"Oh honey please,. No Man is gonna be intimidated by a woman's confidence. Like I said that's just for scaring off the little boys who ain't no good for you."

I shrug defeatedly.

"I guess we can just get this one mama,"

Despite her soothing words, I still didn't like the swimsuit, but I could tell she was nearing the limits of her patience. I love my mother very much but she is a completely different person once I've managed to get on her nerves.

"Good." She replies. "I was beginning to run outta patience with these people side-eyeing me like I'm stealing some shit."

Yup just as I thought.