I've been hastily working on getting my life together since my first big mental breakdown where I've shaved all my hair off of my head. Things have been going much better since April of 2019.
Since then, I've turned 21, made my own apartment (with the help of my mother.), and have gotten stable on my medications. Ive also been trying to notice how much I compulsively spend as well as all the birthday money dwindles down, and hopefully I can talk that over with my therapist next week.
Pokémon brilliant diamond and shining pearl are coming out in two weeks, and I've started work on Pokémon sword and Pokémon home to get my 'mons transferred there. I've been trying to also put some hours into animal crossing new horizons, as the new update just came out a few days ago.
As you can tell, I'm falling back into old habits. I've been trying to use gaming as a coping mechanism, because my dog Mikey is getting older unfortunately. There may be a point where my mom can't take care of him anymore and we have to put him down. So therefore, I'm preparing myself for that.
In other news, my uncle's lease runs out in March. He will be moving him and his family into my house soon, so we're making preparations for that as well. (Me and my mom.) My mother on the other hand, is moving upstate soon, and is preparing for that along with everything else. As she would say, "there's always something."
As for me, I'm going to continue therapy work and going to this new day center for adults. Because of my autism and other mental disorders, I don't think I could function in a normal society yet. I do want to eventually meet someone though. My goal in life is to find someone who loves me. Not like how my mother loves me, that's different. I mean a romantic partner. Someone who will tell me I'm amazing everyday. Sure we will fight, we'll have our differences, we'll pay for each other. Whoever this someone is, I want to hold them tight and never have to let go. If they let go, it's their choice.
Anyway, I have my sad moments too. I was banned from an eating disorder center for being hostile. I didn't hit anyone or anything like that, sometimes I'm irritable. When I'm overwhelmed, I have my outbursts. But my mom tells me I can't do that out in the real world. I was hostile because I was out into a home where I couldn't leave without staff supervision. And me being me, when I can't leave, I feel cooped up. I feel like I'm trapped. Sure we got to go out a couple of times. But it wasn't that fun. I felt pressured to buy stuff everywhere we went, because in all actuality, me and my mom aren't the richest. We're middle class sure, we can get by every week with food, utilities, a roof over our head and gas to drive. But there are times where we have to pinch pennies because we can't afford the luxuries that other better off people can.
So yeah, it's safe to say I overspent. And someone noticed. I won't name this someone, but let's just say they were upset that I said I was on disability, but I had all this money to spend. They didn't understand, but that's all I'm really going to say about it.
I'm always really insecure about money, and I need to change this about myself. I say this everytime, but it never gets done. I'm like a Holden caulfield of the internet, If you will. I make a plan to take a stand, but I always end up sitting. (Stole that from Green Day.) Everytime I'm around people, I feel like I have to spend a lot of money in fear of looking poor. There's always been that fear before, and it's when I'm short on cash. I start to sweat and get hot. I stammer and check my phone to see my bank balance. I ask to put a few things back. The clerk will give me the benefit of the doubt sometimes, but not all the time. I understand now that money can't buy your happiness, but what will?
I'm trying to grow my online presence, but it never seems to work and I've just seemed to have given up. But I don't think I'm going to do it now. Im starting to do prep work on my twitch and my YouTube channels. I haven't done anything crazy or pulled a darksydephil, so I think I'm good. Im mostly invisible on the internet, and I want it to kind of be that way. But I want to have a presence more like Joanna ceddia where not that many people know she has a YouTube, but she has a cult following.
Everything's still up in the air as it stands, but my personal identity is a different story. I still don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Im thinking I might be genderqueer or some form of equivalent. I feel like I've always known I wasn't the right kind of girl, but I know that I'm definitely not a boy, a man, a person of male gender, however you may put it. I fit somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, and I feel comfortable that way. I think they/them pronouns have always suited me best, because it describes not just me, but everybody who chooses not to go by one set gender.
But what do I know? I'm just a sleep deprived 21 year old they, typing my woes out to sticker bush symphony. (Edit: a taia7777 video)
Oh yeah, I got corpse party for the switch! It looks amazing in HD by the way. I also got the stick of truth and Pokémon shield. Only to get more Pokémon for my Pokédex on Pokémon sword, and the other game retrospectively.
I'm having a hard time trying to quit smoking. Everytime I wake up, I have a cigarette. After I have coffee, cigarette. After I eat, yeah you get it. I want to use the bad boys to deepen my voice though. Not a great use of gender transitioning time, but I'm working on it. I've just heard so many things about T that makes me worried that I can't go back once I start. I'm a spontaneous thinker and doer. Three months from now, I'll be an entirely different person. But I'm still a moth.
About my dog. He's gone completely blind. I don't want to delve too much into it because I'll end up crying again. He's doing better once he found his way around through sound and smell. Also he can't tell when he's about to trip on a ledge or not so he hesitates. He's been losing control of his bladder more frequently than before and urinating in his cage. I feel bad for the little guy, which is why I don't want to delve into this any further that I already am.
I've been thinking about jotting these entries down in a book before youtube deletes these videos forever. If I can save them physically, for when I ever get to talk to my loved ones or my therapist about the taia videos and my entries on them, then that would be better.
