500 Days || phan

Day 1

day 1,

there's something about hospital lights and how they make everything translucent and unreal and i swear i don't remember anything, but the feeling of unreality. you can't be gone. no. things like that don't really happen. not in real life anyway.

___________________________

i don't remember what happened, but i don't want to. i don't want to think this is real. i want this to be a dream, so i can wake up in his arms and tell him how much i really love him, before he is gone. i've never been so sad while i was thinking about him. we're in love, but will i ever be able to say i love him again?

i ran a hand through my hair, still looking at his motionless body in the bed.

"sir, i'm going to have to ask you to go home. visiting hours are over. he needs his rest if he's going to recover." the doctor said, giving me a look of pity, as he walked in.

i shook my head. "i'm not leaving."

he sighed and shook his head at me. "are you family?"

i nodded. "he's my fiancé." i got nervous, as i knew he'd probably say that wasn't family. but he proved me wrong, giving me a small, sad smile. "congratulations. he's a lucky man. you can't legally stay here, but since you are family, you can sleep in that chair or something. just wait, he'll be okay. i promise."

i nodded again, watching him walk out of the tiny room they had him in.

after he left, i stood up and walked closer to the bed. "i'm so sorry dan. i don't remember what happened, but god i love you. and when you get better, we'll get married right away. i promise, okay? that way i can never lose you. fuck, i miss you, and you're right here! god i wish i could fix this and have it be me in this bed. when you wake up from this coma, or, whatever this is, i will be the first thing you see, okay? but i'm going to try to get some sleep so i can be awake when you are. i love you dan, i love you so, so much. please stay strong? don't let go yet. i'm not giving up on you ever, so don't give up on me? i l-love you." i spoke in a shaky voice, as i started crying. holding onto dan's unmoving hand, i gave him a kiss on his head. "goodnight my prince, i love you. please, don't forget that, no matter what happens. i'll always love you, for the rest of my life..."

i continued crying a little, while i went to lay in the uncomfortable chair across from him.

*****

i woke up in a cold sweat, panicking as the first thing i heard was nervous voices around me. "what's going on?"

i kept demanding to know what was going on while everyone was doing something different and talking, but was ignored until the same doctor from last night came to me.

"let's go in the hall phil, okay?" he encouraged, a hand on my back.

i spun around facing him. "no, tell me what's going on with my fiancé. i have a right to know, and i will not go into the hall because i know you won't let me back in if i do."

he sighed, his head lowering. "he's not going to wake up phil. i'm so sorry, we did everything we could."

my heart stopped.

"no you fucking didn't! if you did, he'd be okay, you promised me he was going to be okay! you, you asshole, you promised he would recover, and he's not! fuck!" i screamed at the top of my lungs, clearly scaring everyone in the room as they knew i was upset and much taller than all of them.

i ran over to the bed, which they were trying to take him out of. "fucking hell. dan, dan you have to wake up, please! i love you so much, please don't leave me alone. i can't not be with you, please dan, please. you have to stay strong for me, you have to wake up. come on dan! you're the strong one, please, i know you can hang on. don't let go of us. i-we were supposed to get married dan, please. goddammit!" i shouted every word to my lifeless boyfriend. i screamed out sobs against his chest.

they pulled me away from him as i gave him one more kiss. i didn't get to say goodbye though, but i swear on my life, i felt his heartbeat and heard him say 'i love you' back, one last time...