500 Days || phan

Day 14

day 14,

my mother washed the sheets while i was asleep on the couch. i kicked her out. i miss you. no, i don't want to call her. yes, i will.

_____________________________________________________

14 days after the night at the hospital, my mum came over. she told me off, not in a mean way, but it bothered me that she even had to tell me to stop drinking, to take a shower, to stop cussing, to sleep, to eat, to rest.

she said she would clean up the room and do some laundry while i slept on the couch. i held that lion he'd bought me because she took his jumper to wash.

*****

my mum shook me lightly, waking me from my nap on the couch. it was dark while i was opening my eyes and stretching, i had no idea how long she'd been here.

"honey, wake up. it's getting late, i washed your clothes and the sheets. and i-" she spoke, telling me what she'd done for me, but i cut her off.

"you washed the sheets? why the hell would you do that?! that's one of the only things that still smells like him. i've been leaving it alone to smell like him! you're trying to get rid of everything so i can't remember him. get out! get out of our apartment!" i shouted at my mother, clearly disappointing her.

"philip, i'm just doing what he would've wanted. he'd want you to live life the same way as before. he'd want you to be happy." she muttered, tears in her eyes, while she walked down the stairs.

i sighed, my head in my hands. i knew i'd just broke her heart, but what could i do now?

*****

i drank a beer, trying to tame my new drinking habit to just one or two beers a day, but failing usually.

after that, i took a long shower, thinking about what my mum had done. she hadn't done anything wrong, really, but it still ticked me off.

changing in the bedroom, i put on his clothes again. at least his joggers and another jumper still smell like him.

i walked into the lounge, pulling on his clothes. even though he was only a few centimetres taller than me, his clothes seemed much larger than mine. which i secretly loved when he would let me wear his clothes, and god i still love it, but it's not the same. he nearly never let me wear his clothes, and now i was almost everyday. this was so wrong, so, so wrong. but damn i love these clothes.

i took the phone from the table and dialed my mum's number. she answered on the third ring. "hello? philip?"

i choked. "hi mum, i'm, uh, i'm sorry i snapped at you today." my voice cracked, and i winced at the noise i hadn't heard since i was a teenager.

"it's alright love, i shouldn't have pressured you into anything, i just wanted to do what he wanted for you." she answered.

i teared up a little, but i didn't cry. "thanks mum, he always said you were a great mother."

she chuckled a little. "and he was a great son. he really loved you. a lot dear."

"i know mum, he loved you too."

"i hoped so, he did ask my permission to ask you to marry you." she whispered.

my heart skipped a little and i felt my stomach flutter. i nearly melted. "h-he did?"

"he did, 6 years ago."

6 years ago? we'd just started dating just over 6 years ago, he must've asked her just after i introduced him to her. i smiled.

"6 years ago? but mum, did he ask you the first time he met you?" i nearly joked.

i heard her laugh a bit. "not quite. that weekend he asked. he called and asked if he could meet me for lunch. i didn't know why, but we had lunch together, and he asked me if he could propose. i didn't know how to respond to it, but i knew he loved you. i knew it wasn't even accepted well then, but he asked and i knew the first time i saw you together, that you two were in love. so i said yes."

i covered my mouth, trying to keep in my sobs, while my tears rolled down my cheeks. "why did he never tell me that mum?"

"i don't know dear, he was probably embarrassed. he didn't want me to tell you of course, but he did say that he was going to marry you one day, if he had to crawl to the ends of the earth and ask you every day of your life. he really did love you." she said, and i could hear her smile. she always smiled while talking about him, like i did.

"i'd like to think that he really meant that mum. but it is getting late, i'll call you soon. goodnight mum, i love you."

"goodnight honey, i love you more."

and i hung up, settling in the sheets that faintly still smelled of his cologne, and cried myself to sleep. but with the thought of that day they had lunch, what i thought about until i fell into a dreamless sleep, holding my lion again.

"goodnight baby, i still love you."