500 Days || phan

Day 4

day 4,

i hate funerals. you're not there to hold my hand. why did they close the casket? i wish i could see your face.

___________________________

he's been gone for 3 days, i thought while my mum tied a black tie around my neck.

she gave me a look of pity again. "i'm so sorry honey, i miss him too, but he's in a better place."

my sore, red eyes looked away from her as i spoke. "no mum, he's not. i know him, he'd rather be here with me, i know he wouldn't want to be anywhere else. i know he could've held on, but they didn't help him! you don't understand how hard i tried to help him, but it didn't work! he's not here."

she started crying a little at my harsh words, but nodded. "i know he'd rather be here honey, i wish he was. but he's happier now, really."

"how can you say that? he was happy with me! i saved him before, but i couldn't this time. but he could still be here right now, happy with me. but is he? no, he's fucking not! he was happy with me. i wish i was the one in the damn casket mum, then i wouldn't have to feel this way!" i shouted at her, retreating to our room.

i cried and cried, screaming into my pillow, until i heard my brother knock on the door. "c'mon phil, we're leaving. he'd want you there, more than anyone else, don't let him down."

i groaned in response, carrying a polaroid in my suit pocket, from the day we started dating all those years ago.

walking down the 3 flights of stairs, i looked at my family and his. none of them looked as bad as me. my hair was greasy and tousled, my eyes bloodshot with tears in them, tear lines down my face. i kept shaking on the way to the funeral.

*****

i was supposed to give a speech, but all i was able to say was that i loved him and cursed again before i broke down. his mum had to pull me away from the casket, letting the service continue as it rained.

they lowered the casket, as it got darker and the rain came down harder.

i cried, but you couldn't tell, as it got blurred with the rain and i stayed.

i stayed after everyone left.

i stayed when it was night.

i stayed when the priest told me to go home and get rest.

i stayed, and kept looking at that picture, while i thought of him, and how it still felt like he was holding my heart together with his own.