500 Days || phan

Day 15

day 15,

the guy at the coffee shop asked me where you were today. i said you were on a trip, coming back next week. it didn't feel like a lie.

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the next day i woke up feeling like shit. i was nauseous and hungover, and i looked horrible.

i sighed, pulling one of my own jumpers out of the closet. i can't go somewhere where people will recognize me and my clothes, right? i'll just change when i get back.

i knew a quick walk to the coffee shop would at least distract me for a little while, plus the coffee would hopefully settle my stomach and help my hangover.

the jumper i wore felt weird, since i hadn't really worn any of my own clothes in a while besides sleepwear. i decided to keep on his joggers, because they were socially acceptable pants right? why change out of them when they're so comfortable, and his?

the walk down to the coffee shop was short, but it was a bitter morning. it was gloomy and dark, like most days in london, and cool with a sharp wind. i hurried into the shop, nearly forgetting to hold the door open for a young woman. she smiled at me and blushed.

i internally groaned, because i knew she would try to flirt with me, and today just wasn't the day.

"thank you, uh, do you wanna have coffee with me maybe?" she questioned politely.

i would've said yes, if i wasn't so hungover and sad. not because i had any interest in her, because i didn't, i was completely gay, but i'd be nice at least. and today, i just wasn't.

"sorry miss, but i'm in a rush, also, i'm gay." i said shortly, but trying not to offend her in any way.

she looked flustered, her eyes widening. "oh, i'm so sorry, i didn't know."

i gave her a small smile as i got closer to the counter. "it's alright dear. i would've stayed and talked with you at least, but i really don't feel like i'm happy enough for you."

shit, why would i say something that stupid? "happy? what's wrong?"

"i, uh, i lost my fiancé in an accident, about 2 weeks ago. it's been a little, weird, without him i guess." i scratched my neck, getting nervous that i might have a breakdown.

she nodded understandingly. "i'm so sorry. i understand. i lost my boyfriend in an accident a few years ago too. it sounds cliché as hell, but it will get better."

i nodded, turning away to order my drink and leave. it wouldn't get better, i already knew that. he was gone, and he was the only thing i wanted or needed or had. i knew that she meant i'd be able to date again, but would i?

i couldn't imagine living with someone else, much less dating them or calling them my boyfriend.

and then my heart broke more. when the barista asked where he was. i nearly broke down, trying to come up with a lie. "he's on a trip, he'll be back in a week i believe."

he nodded, smiling a bit. "tell him i said hi, he used to come in everyday."

i nodded too, remembering my late mornings when i'd wake up in an empty bed, with a cup of coffee next to me, to replace him while he was at work. "i will."

with that, i walked home and cried, not because of the young lady, or the barista, but because he knew who i was and wrote what he always had written on the cup for me when he picked up our drinks.

phil, my love x.