Sophia Jones was a few months away from finishing her master and she was terrified. She didn't want to admit to anyone including herself that she didn't know what to do after. All she's ever known is studying and studying. Getting into the world wit...
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"Should I smile because we're friends, or cry because that's all we'll ever be?"
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Days went by fast and it was soon Friday and I was holding the cake in my hands.
I pressed the doorbell and it opened up in a second. I was greeted by a huge grin from Luke, making me smile widely in return.
"You came!" He said that as if he was expecting me not to and I wondered then if that happened to him before, his friends bailing out at the last minute.
"Of course! I wouldn't miss it!" I said and his whole face lightened up. I liked seeing him that way.
We spent the afternoon laughing and chatting. I have to admit that it has been a very long time since I laughed that much and had that much fun.
And I don't know how to explain it properly but the entire time it felt right. As if I belonged there.
It was terrifying and fulfilling at the same time. Because I've never felt that sense of belonging before, not even with my own family.
There were no comments about my body, no questions about my wealth, and no gossiping over others' lives. Just pleasant conversations about random things and non-offensive jokes.
I liked that easy-going side of Luke, and that afternoon I only got to like him more.
Of course, I wondered why his fiance wasn't present there or why none of his family members were invited. But I also knew that some topics shouldn't be asked unless the other party willingly explains. Even I have parts of my life that I'm not ready to share with others.
Everything went perfect until I came back from his fancy bathroom and I heard them talking about me. A deja vu that was giving me an unsettling feeling.
"Man, tell me what's going on with you and Sophia! Are you two together? You've never invited anyone on your birthday before!" Marcus said. His tone wasn't bashful but curious.
"What? No way! Don't be ridiculous!" Luke answered fast.
That fast denial gave my heart a pang. Just like being shot. Fast but hurtful.
"Are you sure? You're always together and I've seen the way you look at her." Marcus insisted.
"Very sure! We're just friends and I've never looked at her in that way!" Another pang that this time made my eyes watery.
"Well if you say so but at least make it clear to her. I think she likes you more than a friend". Was it that obvious?
It is true that I didn't hide my feelings but for others to notice only meant that it was very obvious.
Luke was engaged and to many for sure looked like I was desiring an already taken man.
"There's nothing for me to clarify. I've done nothing for her to misunderstand and I know she's smart enough to see that I treat her as a close friend." Luke said defensively and his quick denial kept hurting me.
I expected that much. He never gave me any indication that he was interested in me in that way. But still, the way he denied everything as if it was a ridiculous idea hurt me.
But instead of going to clarify things, I did what I always did. Suppress and hide those feelings until I get home.
I only went back when they changed the subject and acted like I heard nothing.
We cut the cake, which Luke loved, and joked a bit more. Then when it was time to go home Luke insisted that I stay over because he has two guest rooms but I refused.
I also refused Luke taking me back home and instead called a cab.
Before getting into the cab Luke did something that almost made me break right there.
"Thank you for coming! It meant a lot to me! Really!"
Luke gave me a warm smile and then without warning he wrapped his arms around me in a quick but tight hug.
Don't do that! That's what I wanted to tell him.
I didn't even have time to return the hug because he already backed away.
I kept my emotions at bay until I got home and wrote to him that I got home safe.
Then I changed into my pajamas and when I got under the blanket I broke down.
I felt terrible.
Not because he didn't see me that way but because I was desiring a man already taken.
Because I kept getting my hopes up even though I knew it was impossible.
It made me feel dirty as if I was the most horrible person in the world.
He was in the right and had no obligation to return my feelings.
Luke saw me as a friend and I was breaking his trust by having other intentions. By looking at him with desire.
I said before that I would accept any outcome but that doesn't mean that I am not disappointed.
—
At work, things got tense between my colleagues and me. It was obvious by the way they were looking at me what they were thinking.
None of them said anything out loud but those judgy eyes said everything.
My supervisor, Eleanor, took me aside one day.
"Sophia, I'll be blunt with you. Rumors reached my ears a few days ago and I found them so ridiculous that I had to talk with you." Eleanor was old, soon going to retire, but a very good supervisor. She was the head of marketing and a huge example in the field. For her to talk to me only meant that everyone heard about it.
"I don't believe those rumors because I know Luke and I've come to know you. There is nothing wrong with having a close relationship with your boss. We are in modern society and before he is your boss he's also a person and has the right to socialize and make friends even if those are from the same workplace. So I'll give a piece of advice" She took both of my hands in hers and looked directly into my eyes.
"You should only feel bad if you're done something wrong. Others' opinions are just that, opinions. Most of them come from envy and jealousy. Do not let those words get to you because it's very likely that all these people won't be in your life in the future. They're just passersby in your life and they have no right to drag you down. Keep your head up and be proud of yourself. You're smart and hardworking, and you have a lot of potential. I'm saying all of this because you can be more!" Those warm and encouraging words had me teary.
It was strange that a stranger would comfort me in that way while my own blood would be the ones judging.
Eleanor really made my day and also made me realize that her words were true.
I'm here only for a while, there is no guarantee that I'll be here in the future and all these people could end up being just a memory.
And if you see it like that, those opinions seem irrelevant.
So after that day I stopped worrying about people's eyes on me and kept bringing Luke cupcakes or cookies.
I kept meeting him in the morning and even went twice to have lunch with him and Marcus.
And I came to realize that once I stopped worrying about others' opinions I was living more freely.
It is quite interesting how sometimes we put chains on ourselves based on opinions that we do not share. Chains that hold us down and that give others the opportunity to excel at the cost of our own happiness.
