It Stays As It Was Left

15.92

February 2015

It was February and the girls had finished recording two songs, Sambuka and The Divine Zero. They had also gathered countless hours of meaningless shuffling through large notebooks that had almost disintegrated.

"So," Jack, the cameraman asked. "Tell me about The Divine Zero."

Stevie smiled, having already shuffled through what exactly she wanted to say and what she wanted to keep to herself about that song.

"I wrote it in ninety-seven," She began. "But I didn't name it until a week ago after Zoë made me watch The Grand Budapest Hotel. I named it after a character."

Stevie tightened the bun she had pulled her locs into, feeling a familiar heat rise to her cheeks, feeling embarrassed about explaining the song's meaning.

"It's about this insecure feeling I've always had," She explained. "I felt like I had to constantly prove that our band had something special, or that we still have to offer something. It's for people who don't have the confidence to believe that they can do something that'll change the world. They're waiting for their chance to break out."

"Can I ask?" Jack hesitated. "Do you think that you have felt this way for so long because Sula is a band that consists of women, prominently women of color?"

Stevie sighed and nodded.

"It was interesting," She said. "I remember one time we were playing with Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and The Chili's. I was so shocked that we were part of that line-up with all of those great bands. When it was over, I had to stand in front of a mirror and remind myself that I had worked just as fuckin' hard as they did to get there."

"Maybe more," Becca chimed in from her spot next to Stevie. "They had certain privileges and opportunities that we were never given."

Stevie agreed but didn't say anything.

"I mean," Becca laughed out bitterly. "Even after that big ass tour we went on with Nirvana, we were still fucking laughed out of bars."

Stevie cringed. "Yeah, that was rough."

"Were there ever times when you felt unsafe playing gigs?" Jack asked and Stevie immediately nodded her head.

"There were a couple of times when terrible things were yelled at us, and the crowd turned violent," She explained. "Usually, we would just leave. But I remember one time when the crowd got to us before we could get out. It was fucking terrifying."

"Yeah," Becca said, standing to pull up her shirt, exposing a long scar on her side. "I walked away with this and a broken nose."

"That's horrible," Jack said earnestly.

"Yeah," Stevie nodded.

"Just to be clear," Becca said as she sat down. "The crowd usually got away with that shit when it was just us playing. When we toured with Nirvana and on that one tour with the Chili's, they never got away with it."

Stevie laughed, happy to be able to think about the good memories from back then.

"Yeah," Stevie said. "I remember one time when the crowd tried to boo us off stage one time. Kurt was so fucking pissed."

Camila and Jeong-Hui, who had been mostly silent, laughed at the memory.

"Yeah," Camila agreed. "When they went out after us, he botched every song. It was so funny."

"Wait!" Stevie turned towards the girls. "That's what they did? Oh my God!"

-

Stevie sorted through her collection of NOFX albums, passing them to Jeong-Hui, who inspected them carefully.