Awakened

14. It gets easier

Weeks morphed into months, in some ways it was like nothing had ever happened. You carried on at the diner as usual and allowed yourself to get swept up in French fry grease and coffee refills to keep your mind busy.

Lee knew your shift pattern and meticulously planned his visits for when you weren't there. He came in once or twice when you were working but you quietly ignored one another, Gina's cornering him routine finally paying off.

Nobody knew what had broken up the town's newest couple but nobody was brave enough to ask. Gina had once given your shoulder a gentle squeeze when Lee had walked right by you and not acknowledged your presence. She was warming up to you, was sweeter to you on the job. All it took was a horrible break-up, apparently.

You avoided the police as much as you could. You kept your head down and your nose clean, not even risking jaywalking just in case, always keeping your eyes averted if a cruiser drove by. The library had been sold off and the boarded up windows made you feel sad to look at. Partly because it reminded you of that first time with Lee. And partly because it was you're a reminder of your failure to protect it. You occasionally met up with the diner ladies for a coffee though, and had been a semi regular visitor to their art class.

The Davey stuff had died down quicker than expected. There had been the funeral which had a huge turnout with high ranking cops from the nearby towns all coming to pay their respects, and the station put up a small plaque in town to honour his memory. The brave hero who died protecting the town. It made you sick that it existed and that nobody knew the truth about him, but you kept your silence. If Lee was struggling with guilt then you knew nothing about it.

Another cop was shot and killed in Meade a few weeks after they found Davey. It was some crazy drug dealer high on his own supply with some sort of grudge against the police. He'd attacked another officer about fifteen miles or so away too – although that one had survived. Eventually the guy was killed in a big shoot out with Meade police. It was hypothesised and widely accepted that this guy must've killed Davey too, probably driving around at night until he found any random cop and then opening fire. You thought Lee must've been delighted that such a neat explanation fell into his lap. Easy to pin it on the dead guy. Although nobody seemed to wonder how he would've got an armed Davey deep into the woods beforehand. Or how someone high on so many narcotics managed a perfect single shot between the eyes.

You had mainly been avoiding Julie. You felt immense guilt for the role in her husband's death. You hadn't pulled the trigger but he died because of you. Aside from that, she just reminded you too much of yourself after Arthur died. It was painful to confront, shaking loose some old memories you'd long repressed. When you saw her face, it was like looking into a mirror from another life.

As for Arthur, you were still reeling from Lee's little announcement. It had tarnished your memory of him, a black stain on what you thought your marriage was. It was hard not to have closure as you couldn't confront him about it. You didn't even know who she was, and she'd moved away, so you couldn't confront her either. Probably wouldn't have spoken to you anyway. You just had so many questions that would never be answered. When did it start? How did they meet? Did he feel guilt, or did he not care?

Maybe it was for the best. You should let a wound heal and close up, not keep picking at it and picking at it – unless you wanted to bleed again.

In a way it was freeing. Before this you had thought of yourself as a bit of a failure of a wife, letting your marriage down. But now, Arthur wasn't perfect anymore. Far from it. And Lee had been right, he had made you feel bad. You had started to go over old memories with fresh eyes – Arthur had been a good man. He had been decent to you, smart enough to ensure you were financially sorted in the event of his death. But you also realised how frequently his snide little comments put you down, making you doubt yourself. Making you feel inferior just because you were trying to love him. Husbands shouldn't do that.