𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐬, 𝐬𝐞𝐭, 𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐤𝐞!! ʳᵃⁿᵇᵒᵒ

SEVEN.

CASSIA.

i had never kissed anyone. i was 17, close to 18, and just never got around to doing so. though that didn't mean i never thought of it.

i did, actually, a lot. it crossed my mind more often than not, it was honestly to the point of embarrassingly sad. in my middle school years, i went through countless different scenarios in my head. scenarios of me and whoever my crush was at the time.

thats why it was weird to fall asleep with someone's arms wrapped around me. the countless times i had lulled myself to dreams with those silly little fantasies, i did not expect for one to be real.

now i am not implying that i fantasized of spencer—i would never do that. i hadn't had a new friend in years, there was no way i would take a chance on romance with him. it was a risk that didn't have a reward.

because honestly, for most of my life i had felt as if i was unloveable.

the first splinter of that sinking feeling came when my baby sister was a stillbirth. i still believed in god then, and i felt as if he wished to punish me. for what, i never knew, but that gut wrenching despairing pit in my body resided next to my heart, and acted like a small weak shield. i was only 8 at the time.

then my parents. if i just wasn't a stupid 14 year old girl they would still be here. i wouldn't be a burden that was suddenly pushed onto my aunt's shoulders.

the recent loss of my best friend was a new nail in the coffin of that fact.

this train of thought led me to tears. the sun was just fully above the horizon and spencer fast asleep, light snores coming with every breath. it was nearing 7 in the morning, and i was unable to sleep.

suddenly the snores from behind me ceased, and the arms around my waist tightened. a soft and tired, yet still caring voice spoke behind me, "are you okay?"

i sniffled, trying to wipe away the tears from my cheeks quickly, but then spencer sat up.

"hey, hey," he slowly helped me up as well, and made it so i faced him, "its alright, i'm here."

his hands were surprisingly soft, causing me to melt into his touch as he cupped my cheeks and wipe away my tears with his thumbs.

and for some reason, spencer's attempt to help me stop, instead made me begin to cry harder.

 ' , —

i dont know when i fell asleep, but at around a quarter 'til 2 o'clock  my eyes fluttered open. i rubbed them as i sat up, looking to my side to see a missing spencer.

i tiptoed out of the bed and down the hall. the hardwood floors creaking under my movements.

he wasn't anywhere to be found. a small panic began to rise in my chest, but was quickly dissipated as the front door behind me opened.

"hey! did you just wake up?" spencer took off his shoes before carrying over multiple bags to the kitchen counter.

i nodded, a small yawn escaping my lips, "where did you go?"

"oh," spencer looked to the fridge, where a piece of paper sat, "i left a note, you probably didn't have time to see it yet."

i shook my head, still feeling exhausted.

"i went to target, i wanted to get you some stuff!" the smile on his face was wide, his eyes almost seeming completely shut.

he was unmistakably adorable.

"oh?" i made my way over to peer in the bags, but he quickly stopped me.

"no peeking!" he was giggling.

i rolled my eyes with a smile and made my way to the couch.

"you hungry?" spencer called out to me, leaning over the counter that separated the couch and the living room.

i shook my head, having no intention of eating, but i was still presented with a box of donuts. he opened the lid and beckoned me to pick one. i opted for the glazed red velvet, and spencer paused for a moment, almost as if he was taking a mental note.

 ' , —

the day was amazing to say the least. spencer kept me preoccupied with things to do and cheer me up. on top of it all, i now had a mountain of squishmallows. i of course decided to make spencer the obvious father of these new children i had. it was a family of 13 not including us (yes he bought me 13 squishmallows. he is insane).

throughout it all though, he never pestered me on why i fell into tears last night.

unfortunately, he had to leave at some point, and its safe to say we were both quite bummed out about it.

"alright," i pulled into spencer's driveway, a soft tone in my voice, "this is goodbye."

"don't say it like that," he laughed, punching my arm lightly.

"whatever, i'm walking you to the door."

"oh, yes thank you my big strong man," again, laughter, "as i, a helpless little lady, would die without your strong manly guidance."

his laughter was very contagious, and i easily played into the joke. exiting the car, i linked my arm with his, giggling to myself as i did so.

we made it to his front door, and i guess i was getting way too into character. i hurried back to my car, only after stumbling on my words and my own feet, a bright red coating my face.

as i pulled out of the driveway, spencer stood in front of the door, touching where i had kissed him on the cheek.

words cannot describe the amount of regret that was screaming in my head as i quickly changed my course of direction from his lips to his cheek.

i've felt unlovable for the majority of my life, yet for some reason at that moment i thought that if i had kissed him where i wanted to, he wouldn't pull away.

i've never had my first kiss, and it only stayed that way because i was scared of being wrong.