From the Other Side of My Bed

5. Godless

What I see when I open my door is a pretty view of jerome.
He's wearing a gray flannel today. He hasn't worn any since 2016, I sort of miss that look on him. Makes him look like home. His hair is pulled back and hidden under a blue ball cap. The outside behind him looks so bright, and full of life. The bright green tree at his left side dances side to side, with all leaves flying off, and melting into the breeze of the morning.
Just the simple smell of rose makes me want to gag.
"Madeline.." he says in a tone that implies 'what happened to you?".
"What, jer?"
"Nothing. Let's go eat?"
"You could have called?"
"What? So you could blow me off? I'm okay with the choices I've made."
Somehow that sentence pisses me off. "So am I, bitch." and I slam the door shut on his face.
"Hey! Madeline!"
I don't care. I don't care. I don't care..
"Madeline, open the door."
Nope. nope. Nope. nope.
"Please, madeline."
I lay  back against the door as I started smoking again.
"This isn't you, madeline." he bangs on the door. He tries turning the knob, he tries looking inside through the window but the shutters are closed.
"Madeline!" i heard him sighed and say under his breath:
"This isn't you, madeline."
He bangs on the door one last time as I blow out the smoke.
"And I don't know how to save you anymore.." Tell me why I feel his forehead is resting against the door. I listen closely as the silence starts to fill the air, and suddenly, I hear his voice.
"But I'll keep praying for you."

Pray for me?
Pray for me?
I dont fucking need anyone praying for me.
I don't want nothing to do with that god of his.
Though he is my god, too. Yet I don't think I've ever seen his love for me.
Might be blind to it, or maybe I've turned too apathetic, either way dear reader, I don't want you to feel I hate you for loving God in your own way by the harsh sound of my words.
I am only expressing my personal relationship with God, and don't intend to offend you.

Now, shall we have some tea?

-

My aversion toward religion began by the way my mom presented this entity who was all mighty, so powerful he could wipe out a whole race of humans and animals with waters just because he deemed it fair.
And my first initial thought was: "what if they were sorry?".
Mom shouted at me that "it was his mighty will" to kill them, and I froze in fear by her anger.
That's what I learned about God first.
His anger.
So how can I not be an angry, rageful person if my creator is the same?
That whenever he finds it right, he could unleash his anger unashamedly.
So why couldn't I do the same?
He made me just like him, but without powers.
He knew that if he gave us powers, we would stand up to him.
His own favorite angel did. (no, i'm not supporting satanism, so chill.)
How does he want us to be all equal, if we aren't an equal to him?
I thought he was my father.

All these questions, were never answered. Or were answered with this quote:
"It is his mighty will."
Which i never found reasonable.

I hated so much the long lectures about a book that I never found interesting, but horrifying.
By the time I was born, mom had begun reading again the bible, and as I turned five years old, she reached to apocalypsis and began in that chapter to teach me about God, and my future if I was not "deemed" a good christian.
She said that if i did this seven things constantly, i will never enter heaven:
I couldn't be prideful.
I couldn't be greedy.
I couldn't have lust.
I couldn't envy.
I couldn't overeat.
I couldn't have rage.
And i couldn't be lazy

Now, here are my questions when i started growing up and see how almost impossible was to be, in better words, "perfect":

I couldn't have pride in my work? In my drawings? In finally figuring something out?
I couldn't hope for more things? For more money? For not wanting to share what has cost me so much stress, hard work and tears?
I couldn't find a person attractive? I wouldn't melt into a kiss without feeling fear?
Even if I tried, I still envy others who were better people than me, I couldn't help it?
I grew up eating a lot. I was taught to overeat. So what..? How does that make sense?
Something about me, I have rage. I have fire in me, and i didn't gave a fuck if it was god himself in front of me, if i'm angry at you, my rage will be unleashed.
And then this one, you want me to enslave myself every minute of the day?