From the Other Side of My Bed

29. Trapped

"Madeline! Madeline! Honey, are you okay? Madeline," I could hear her, but I couldn't physically respond to her. "What had happened to her?"
"I don't know, ma'am, I just brought her to you because I found her like this on the floor of her apartment. She had called me, but I didn't think she was this... bad."
"We have to get her to the nearest rehab center then, she is catatonic."
"Cata- what?"
"Catatonia is a state in which the person is awake but doesn't seem to respond to other people or their environment due to emotional distress."
I could see her gathering a few items from a basket as Jerome lovingly placed me on the floor. I sat up and just stayed there looking at the nothingness of life, I didn't think of anything, just stared and even barely felt what I felt before I became immobile. I even stopped talking and it was weird because ei wanted to scream and tried to scream but it would sound like squeaks from my throat.
"Madeline, I'm going to put this heavy blanket on you, okay? This will help you feel comfort and warmth that you need right now. And here are also some toys you can use to let our frustration and anger."
She lovingly placed the blanket on me, and it was so heavy, she had not been kidding. And the toys were so small and colorful, but I just pushed them away.
I wasn't frustrated or anger. I was vulnerable.
Tender.
Frail to the touch. I almost felt I was going to disappear when Jerome grabbed me in his arms. "Madeline, I understand you are in a very sensitive spot right now, and might be difficult to come back, but I need you to come back and be strong. I know you can do this and if we let you go on like this, and without help, you will be far off worst."
I can't.
I cannot come back.
I'm scared.
What if he hurts me like he has hurt them?
How come everything I used to know wasn't real?
Is there anything in my life that is real?

I look up to her and squint.
"Is she going to be okay?"
"Time will tell but she needs to talk or else I will have to call services on her. To be catatonic is not okay for her. It's preferable if she snaps out of it and goes on her own to the rehab center. There she would get all the help she needs and more."
Jerome.
I'm sorry you had to see me like this.

"What can you do for her?"
"Talk to her and calm her down, unfortunately sometimes the patient needs the backup of medications for her healing to work and Madeline is one of those who needs them."
Jerome could only pet my head as I just sat there on the floor, it was miserable.
That silence and pain combined; I hated that I was causing a scene by just knowing a truth I knew for a long time but hadn't digested it yet until now.
"He's a monster." I blurred out finally and Jerome and her looked up at me.
"What did you just say, honey?" the therapist said.
"He is a monster." She frowns and comes sit down with me on the floor. "Who is it?" I squint. "Him. Dad." She nods and just waits for me to start speaking again. "He rapes people." Her eyes widen and then slowly inquires if he has done something to me.
"Not to me." I speak. "But to others he has."
"How do you come up with this?"
"Because Socorro told me the truth."
She looks at Jerome and he says she's, my stepmother. "Oh,"
That's all she could say before asking if she could grab my hand. "You promise he did nothing to you?" I nod and she offers me a hug, which I decline.
Despite that I feel like burning for it.
"Do you want to talk about this?"
"What's there to talk about?"
"Your emotions-"
"Look at where I am at because of my emotions." She closes her eyes and nods.
"Let's do some breathing and affirmation techniques that will help you cope and not get you to where you are at now, okay? But that won't help if you don't search for help, Madeline. You need a doctor, a care team for you to prosper."
"I know."
"I can only do so much for you, and I barely started treating you. You need to go to rehab. I'm telling you it is the best option for you. Matter of fact there is this facility you would like very much called Copper Springs East."
"Copper Springs East?"
"It is the best as I have been told. But you need to go in soon or else- "
"I kill myself. I know."
"Do you have thoughts of hurting yourself?" yes.
"No."
"Okay." And she looks at Jerome, nodding at him that it was okay to take me home.

-

Jerome, after multiple attempts to make me understand I needed him to sleep over, I declined. I just need to be alone.
Today has been very mentally challenging, and I need sleep.

-
I don't know how many hours I slept, I just remember drinking from my water bottle that's on the floor and going back to sleep. Maybe 14 to 16 hours. I just want to disappear.
But then I hear a few knocks on my door and when I roughly open the window shutters, I'm blinded by the light of the next day, and I feel a headache forming.
Who is it now?

"Angel," I blink multiple times and rub my eyes to see better who it is, but I know it's Ares. "Angel? Please open the door." I got up reluctantly and head over to the door. When I open it, he immediately hugs me.
"Madeline, where were you? I looked for you then I called and texted but nothing." He pulls away to look at my face and examines it with his hands, as if something happened.
"Did I wake you up?"
"Yes, actually."
"I'm sorry- "and I just leave him with the word half said when I walk away, door open for him to come in. "seems like today isn't your day."
"No day is,"
"Did you sleep well?"
"Like 14 hours."
"Damn, that's crazy." I reach to the kitchen and open the fridge to miraculously find orange juice in it. I poured myself some. Because if I just drink it from the bottle might cause him to throw up. "I had a rough time so don't give me shit."
"I'm not, but what happened? I did try calling you but it went to voicemail."
"I was out. As you can see."
"Asleep?" I sighed. "Yes, Ares, I was asleep. Happy?"
"What's wrong with you today? So moody and gloomy."
I shrug. "You don't know this side of me."
"I want to."
"yeah, to run away, that's what you'll do."
"I'm not scared of you."
I smirk. "it's about being not strong enough for me."
Before he says something, I have the amazing idea of drinking coffee with him, but he declines because he hates coffee. I soon find myself sad. And in that mood, I walk toward the closet while he changes the topic and tells me all about his day yesterday. The minimalistic things he did as just doing laundry and deciding if he wanted chicken soup or not from the deli or handmade, how he went to get his clothes from the dry cleaners etc. I undressed and changed into a black tank top and shorts and soon found myself in his arms.
But if I'm honest, I should have told Jerome to stay over.
As much as I like my boyfriend, I needed my best friend.
And I knew I wouldn't get cuddles or kisses from Jerome (despite him desperate to do so), I needed his presence. He was ever so calm presence with his nurse, quiet voice telling me everything was going to be all right.
And with this on my mind, I fall asleep on Ares's arms as we watch a movie together in bed.
There I am.
Longing for someone else as per usual.

-


It's the first week of the month, I have so much to do.
But with brochure in hand, I headfirst to the one destination that later would change my life. Copper Springs East.
I still have to go to western union to get a money order to pay my rent and then I got to call to the light service company to pay for my light and then I got to pay my insurance. But somehow, I thought the least important one would be the easiest to do. Until it wasn't.
I remember I wore my black hoddie, my black leggings, purple flipflops and my long, copper hair danced fresh in the wind. I was makeup free, and I was really overwhelmed already by everything that morning.
I wanted to finish everything so I could call Jerome to hang out.

When I parked in front of Copper Springs East, I noticed in front of the entrance was a ambulance. And in stretchers, there was a girl who had just tried ending her life, who wore an oxygen mask and a large needle on her arm.
At such a sight, I was blown away.
Is this what I want to be?
Another casualty from mental illness?
There must have been something that could save us all, there must!

The receptionist must have done this job for years because when I was stumbling through words to tell her I was sent here to get help and I had questions, she shoved in my face a screening paper.
It was very intrusive, the questions I mean.
It asked if I have ever seen a homicide or have, I ever attempted to kill myself and how many times and how.
I was honest in each answer.
Soon after, a lady called me in to come get checked weight and height and my vitals.
Then she put me in a waiting area for hours it seemed. I should have had known I was being processed in the system. I just waited patiently, and each time the door opened, it was to let more people in who seemed just as normal as I was, the exception of the junkies. You knew they were who they were by their look, but also the way they were uncapable of staying in one stop.
Then that made me think if I was a junkie too, but I was sitting comfortably in one spot, so I don't know.
Then they called my name.
A man, of all people, took my interview and he was pushy and unfeeling about how those questions made me feel. They asked me how my mom died and if I watched her die. And I couldn't help but to start crying and he still pushed the question in me and so I pushed back and told him to fuck off, that I needed someone else and not him to ask me shit.
He walked out offended but do I give a shit?

Another male came, and his name was Nasier.
He was calm, honest, and soothing, like Jerome. He held my hand and said, "this must be so hard for you, you are scared, and we are making you more scared, I'm sorry. We are trying to help, and you need help."
I nodded and cleaned my face soon after.
"Have you ever been witness of a crime?"
"Yes."
"What was the crime."
"At a party, I saw a guy pulled his gun at a girl and shot her."
He nods, and he isn't too surprised about it or asked why I didn't do anything.
He just continued. "Have you ever harmed anybody?"
"No."
"Are you depended on any substances?"
"Yes."
"Which are?"
"Oxxys. Marijuana. Coke. Sometimes meth. I've only done H twice."
"Heroin?" I nodded.
"Any overdoses?"
"Twice."
"Who was there to save you?"
I shrug and didn't want to answer which he said was okay.
"Have you been diagnosed with anything?"
"My old therapist said I was borderline."
"Just that?"
I nod.
He asked for more questions and then he wrapped it all up and said he was going to be back. I waited there, for a few minutes it seemed, before he came back and sighed. "we're going to have you inpatient."
"Huh? What does that mean?"
"It means you are to be held here until the doctor deems you fit to go back into the world."
"What? No! you can't force me in here! I have stuff to go pay, I have my rent-"
"And those things can wait, Madeline."
"Huh?"
"Your last overdose was last month. You almost died. You understand that right?"
"And so? I'm always at the bridge of death. I need to go do those payments or else they will evict me."
"You can figure it out later. Madeline," he holds my hand. "Your health is so important, you have no idea how much it matters, and how much you matter. You are 21 years old, instead of dying, you should be living. You deserve the chance to be better and live a life you never thought existed. Let's get you healthy or at least on track of that life you need and deserve. We have specialists that will help you do amazing, I promise."
All I could do was just nod. "it's better this way voluntarily instead of involuntarily anyways."
"What if I don't agree?"
"Trust me, it's not pretty. Plus, we are backed by Arizona Law to help you until you are deemed not a risk to yourself or others."
"So, I'm dangerous."
"No," he said, sighing.
"You're just a girl with problems."