Original Sin (MewGulf AU)

🌻Chapter 9

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Gulf left the party a little after eleven, so he made it home before midnight.

"Oof," Gulf sighed, throwing himself onto his bed. He felt like his fatigue kept building a little bit more everyday. The real problem was that Makihara's expectation of 'the next big hit' was weighing on Gulf.

Gulf didn't know what was going to sell, no one did. That was why all the editors did their projects with a trial and error method. There were always books that didn't sell and always books that did. The criteria for what would sell and what was good in the pulp division were strikingly different from Gulf's previous department, which focused on more literary justifications for its publications.

Gulf was glad Makihara trusted him, and he wanted to live up to those expectations, but that didn't mean he could pull of a job that was beyond his power. The more diligently Gulf did his job, the bigger the goals grew and the more intense the pressure became.

If only Mew would indulge him a little bit. Gulf needed someone with whom he could share the anxiety he felt. He didn't want comfort and advice, he just wanted someone to let him talk. If Gulf could just say what he felt, he would be able to recognize his feelings and then the energy to do his job would come back.

Gulf doubted that Mew wanted to hear him gripe about work and it was pointless to expect him to. If Gulf dragged the depressing influence of business into their time together, Mew would scorn him as someone who couldn't keep his professional and personal lives separate.

"I'm exhausted."

For several days, Gulf had only been coming back to his studio apartment to sleep. His relationship with Mew even spurred that tendency. Whenever he stayed the night at Mew's apartment, he would often come home the next morning to change, and then go straight to work.

Gulf had a reason for spending all his time at Mew's. Gulf liked his apartment well enough, and he didn't have any insecurities about it that prevented him from inviting Mew over, even though the man lived in a luxury condominium. It was just that the plaster walls of his apartment were thin, and if he made noise, his neighbors would hear it.

It had been fine with his last lover---his ex-fiancre. She wasn't a very passionate person and Gulf had believe himself to be nearly asexual. He had invited Bow over because even if they started fooling around, they had never once lost control of themselves and made any noise. But with Mew, Gulf couldn't control himself. If his neighbors discovered what was going on, it was almost certain that rumors would start.

Mew was a popular author, everyone knew who he was. Emergence had been such a success that people were even talking about making it into a movie. Gulf, on the other hand, had depended on Mew's popularity to make his last project a success. He hadn't done anything to keep the success coming, though.

Gulf was only an editor and Mew was an author blazing with talent. Many readers were breathlessly eager for his next work, and his other publishers were vigilant for their opportunity to get a manuscript.

People would begin to find it strange that Mew preferred to work with an editor like Gulf if he couldn't keep up his performance. The only reason Gulf had succeeded with Mew was because he had exchanged his body for the book.

That was why he didn't want anyone to ever find out about their relationship. He could never tell anyone about it. Mew probably didn't care if it was revealed that he was gay or bisexual, but Gulf didn't feel the same way.

But the thing Gulf was most afraid of was that someone else might get closer to Mew. There could be other people who would use their bodies to get close to Mew, just like Gulf had.

Their relationship was slanted disproportionately toward the physical. Mew had only told Gulf that he loved him once, after Gulf had so sincerely declared his feelings in Hayama. But that wasn't enough to reassure Gulf.

If Mew wasn't looking for anything deeper than the physical relationship he had with Gulf, someone else might come along eventually. And not too far in the future, either.

When had Gulf begun to think that? After all that self-reflection, Gulf realized that his doubts were lapping at his feet like a wave. Since he had become aware of his fears, he felt as if they would drag him away into darkness. All he wanted was to immerse himself in the joy of being in love, but the more he realized that Mew aroused him so intensely, the deeper his fears became.

I love Mew.

Gulf didn't want to give Mew up. He didn't want anyone to take him away. He didn't want to think about losing Mew.

Mew was a cruel and arrogant man who didn't treat people like human beings. He was selfish and stubbornly independent. But he was also somehow awkward and tender---and alone.

Mew had lost his parents in a car accident while still young, and every year on the anniversary of their deaths, he set out a vase of lilies. They were his mother's favorite flower. Gulf knew how much solitude Mew faced, submerged alone in his memories.
Since Mew had everything he could ever want, he didn't try to get any more. He had been given everything but he seemed to refuse it all.

Gulf still didn't regret that his heart had been captured by a man like him. Despite his doubts, whenever he remembered what Mew was really like, he wanted to hear his voice and know what he was doing. His longing only grew stronger.

TBC