I Found You

prologue

someone somewhere said this thing about breathing that Tine remembers clearly. that how you breathe at the start of the day usually decides how you are going to function for the rest of it. Tine remembers because he's been to many a fucking boring charity counseling sessions where they talk in a pseudo spiritual jargons that not only gross him out but also agitates him to the core.  yet he goes. because beneath the thick, imperceptible layer of indifference, Tine cares about his own fucking life. he cares and hopes he could use some or any of whatever these embarassing events preach of. right now is exactly one of those moments which demand Tine to breathe properly or else that tiny fragile thing caught in the dark crammed up walls of his lungs would break free and fly.

a part of Tine wants that. so bad.

but a major part of him, the optimist part of him tells the other part to shut the fuck up and wipe the arising sweat and slow down his steps and probably sit somewhere. he can't. not in the middle of the busy mid week Bangkok street at four in the evening. "breathe" Tine tells himself, his voice a slight tremor, "okay... we are not doing this right now. i can't deal with anxiety right now."

his pace hastens as he worries he'd end up passing out on road before reaching his apartment. but the blood swooshes louder in his ears, heart grows rampant and something thick and hot hangs down the rim of his heavy eyes and tine gives in. slowing his pace, he starts rubbing his chest and grunts, "oh fuck! seriously?"

"watch out dude!"  someone yells beside him, a slight bump in his shoulder which causes him to stumble on his own feet and decides to sit where he fell, curling himself in a ball of dry rough breaths and even drier assurances.

someone somewhere said this thing about breathing and how it helps when your mind decides that the best place to fuck with you is in the middle of a busy street. what he doesn't remember is ever succeeding using those tips. Tine tightens the wreath of his arms around his knees and presses his chest against them ever so tightly, as if he actually knows that life will escape out of him if he doesn't hold it back tight. amidst the cacophony of his own unresolved emotions, he hears a faint, soft voice like his own six year old self is calling him from twenty years away.

"hey are you okay?"

Tine, by habit of dismissing strangers (or any human really) shakes his head and utters an inaudible yes. it doesn't matter if the other person heard or not. usually, a nod is enough to shoo them away.

the thing is - for the first time, a nod was not enough. the stranger did not walk away. so Tine looks up through his glassy eyes at the face of the stranger. it's all a blur but he feels a gaze on him. steady. soft. soothing.

"are you okay?" the voice repeats.

Tine draws a couple rugged breaths before breaking into sobs. the strange pair of hands offer him a handkerchief. he covers his face,  never wanting to open his eyes again. but somehow the piece of fabric smells like dusty old books and Tine is reminded of how his father's hands smell exactly like this. something, not joy exactly but something scoots the melancholy a little away. the hands on his back keep him steady on the ground, their warmth slightly passing through his shirt.

in a fraction of a moment, he decides he likes the warmth. and then, he thinks he hates his life a little less. he feels a moistness on his forehead and realises, to his shock, that the stranger has kissed his head, whispered "you got this" and ran, probably to catch the bus. Tine doesn't stop the person, let alone open his eyes. the tears keep wetting the handkerchief but his chest does not feel like constricting as it was.

someone somewhere says a lot of things and Tine remembers most of it. and he will remember this too - a voice, angelic but at the same time so humanly aware of his humane tears. a hold of kindness. a hold of hope.

Tine hopes one day, he'll return the kindness back to the world. or may be back to a stranger just like that.

this is the story of that tiny hope fighting to survive. a hope which slowly but passionately gives birth to love because what is love, if not a hope to share that hope with someone else?

...